University of Chicago Scavenger Hunt
Bylaws, such as they are
Section 1. The name of this organization shall be The Official University of Chicago Official Scavenger Hunt Organisation Committee, also to be known as The Great Hunt, The Scavenger Hunt, ScavHunt, Scav Hunt, the Hunt, That Thing That Left All Those Cans in the Maroon Office, ScavCore, The Fucking Scavenger Hunt, The Scavenger Fucking Hunt, The Fuckinger Hunt, Jar Jar Binks, ScavCom, Scav Com, ScavComm, Scav Comm, Scavcabal, the Cabal, Cable from X-Factor, Solipsistic Bastards, Ratanna, ScandalCom, El Sindicato, or Ethel.
Section 1.The Scavenger Hunt exists as a group of individuals who subscribe to the philosophy that true enlightenment can only be attained through freedom, and further, that true freedom can only be realized through utter chaos. The Scavenger Hunt feels that probably most of the students in the University lack the emotional maturity to experience this total freedom and that the University lacks the financial resources to keep rebuilding itself after students reveling in this freedom become too "self-expressive." To this end, the Scavenger Hunt seeks to gradually shepherd the University into the new age of enlightenment by establishing futuristic microcosms every spring in Ida Noyes Hall, wherein student teams compete to acquire the highest number of points based on objects listed by the Hunt Committee, each object having been attributed a certain numerical value due to its relative spiritual importance (Commandments governing said acquisition given to the seekers of these karmacharged objects, so that they shall not bring pain shame, or imprisonment upon themselves or the University). These "microcosms" essentially amount to pocket universes of chaos, which are, historically speaking, well attended, and well-appreciated by all in attendance.
Article III—Field of Membership
Section 1. The Scavenger Hunt Committee consists of two types of memberships: Hot Side Hot, and Cold Side Cold. Hot Side Hot oversees the (un)holy and mysterious affairs of the Scavenger Hunt and is given an omniscient overview of Things Mere Mortals Were Never Meant To Know (such as the Compilation Of Sacred Items To Be Acquired, and The Great Roadtrip Pilgrimage). Cold Side Cold is the faithful who is the Hot Side Hot's Eyes and Hands. Cold Side Cold aids with advertising, logistics, and budgeting, and is the most stalwart and steadfast collection of men and women, but nevertheless, not permitted to know Things Mere Mortals Were Never Meant To Know. Anyone may petition for membership, and, The Scavenger Hunt being a theocracy rather than a democracy, non-University affiliated Judges will enjoy much the same privileges as anyone else.
Section 2. As stated, anyone may petition for Scavenger Hunt membership. The petition process involves the submission of a preliminary Compilation which will be reviewed by the sitting Pantheon. A Compilation unanimously agreed to be Platonically "good." will earn the petitioner an audience with members of the Hot Side Hot whom she does not already have the pleasure of acquaintance, wherein the Hot Side Hot will ascertain whether the petitioner has any flaws, such as modesty or sensitivity, that would make her unfit for joining the Hot Side Hot. Finally, decisions will be made taking into account the petitioner's previous experience with The Great Hunt and with the University—priority obviously given to elders and captains. Barring a poor Compilation, Audience, or Record, the petitioner then joins the Hot Side Hot with all privileges resulting, effective immediately. In the other case, the petitioner is thanked, and invited to pursue ultimate enlightenment, either with the Cold Side Cold or by competing in The Great Hunt. All petitioners must live in the Chicagoland Area, have a GPA of at least 0.5, or the money to bribe their way around said restriction. Additionally, they must be currently metabolically viable, and while mania is not required, it certainly is encouraged. It is important to distinguish these requirements from those of Scavenger Hunt Competitors, for whom there are no requirements (except for GSB students, who must swear undying fealty to the quest to regain The Romper Room).
Section 3. No judge is allowed to be named "Mike 'Scavvy' Hunt." This in no way however, disallows a judge from being named "Sam 'Scavvy' Hunt."
Sections 1&3. There are four main offices in the Scavenger Hunt Pantheon. The Scavenczar is the general overseer, grand marshal, and chief judge in charge of Absolutely Everything. The Scavenczar is also responsible for acquiring funds from the SGFC and ORCSA ("Those Who Control The Cosmic Purse Strings"), and for making sure that the lucre never stops flowing. The Minister of Propaganda is responsible for burnishing the public image of the Scavenger Hunt and attending to various public enquiries. The Clark Griswold is the dark god of the Pantheon. The responsibility of this office is to select the torturous route for the Roadtrip Pilgrimage in order to ensure maximum spiritual cleansing. Sir Ector is responsible for collecting and archiving the various documents, photos, and other records produced during each ScavHunt for the purposes of amusement and inevitable litigation that is always bound to follow. Lastly, there is The Keeper of the Scrolls, whose job it is to order and track the items on the Compilation. The Keeper is also charged with hurling lightning bolts to destroy any non-Hot Side Hot who would profane the sacred Compilation with their unworthy eyes.
§ The Scavenczar must have a mind like a steel trap, and a whole lot of time on his hands.
§ The Minister of Propaganda must be able to maintain a presence on the internet, must be able to perform complex mathematical equations in his or her head, and must be able to produce "the best budget[s] we've ever seen" (Ken Monohan, SGFC '94–'95). Should he or she ever somehow manage to convince the SGFC that we actually do have a Captains/Judges breakfast on Thursday morning each year, it will be noted as a first.
§ The Clark Griswold must not require sleep or food, and should be 21 years of age or older, to which end, the Scavenczar decrees that he may be a member of the university faculty or on research staff at the BSLC or Hospital who has received his degree within two years prior, and is vouched for by two current officers, including the Scavenczar, but not on leap years.
§ Sir Ector must have access to a digital camera and a file cabinet. His fascination with the phenomenon of the Scavenger Hunt must be far enough beyond that of the majority of the judges that Hot Side Hot is able to justifiably call it "sick." More importantly, this office is to be given the Hot Side Hot member who is having the hardest time admitting that ScavHunt did in fact end on Sunday.
§ The Keeper of the Scrolls must also have a mind like a steel trap, the cunning to outwit those who would attempt to steal the Compilation, and a password program on her computer. Additionally, she must have a passing familiarity with LATEX and know how to use chmod, for chrissakes. The Keeper of the Scrolls, being the most anal-retentive Judge, as is implicit in the bylaws, is responsible for choosing a successor.
Section 4. Officers will be elected by general consensus, with all objections taken into consideration. The titles are bestowed by the past holder upon a candidate who is then confirmed by the group. Power will be transferred at the beginning of the academic year, by the ritual phrases "Doyouwannadoit?" and "Yeahsure," and although there will be no official announcement save a Spartan communiqué to the faculty advisor, everyone, everywhere will somehow just know what has transpired.
Section 5. In the case of amicable removal, the above procedures will be followed. In the unlikely event of an excommunication upon a unanimous vote of "sucks," the officer in question will be upbraided, shunned, and have his password privileges revoked. Depending upon the severity of the expelling offense he or she may be found deported the next morning.
Section 6. Additional offices and titles can be designated each year. However, the position of Prophet Elijah must always remain vacant.
Section 1. Regular meetings of this organization shall be held at irregular but increasingly frequent intervals throughout the year, amounting to about twice a week in the heaviest times. More frequent meetings may be necessary, including within committees, and their announcement should be met with appropriate whining. Times and places are organized by the Scavenczar and based upon the availability and convenience of the Hot Side Hot. It is generally a good idea to have a meeting prior to the beginning of the snowy quarter with potential Hot Side Hot members. At winter's start, the Scavenczar should have a meeting wherein the Hot Side Hot and their lists will be presented.
Section 2. Special meetings are the normal practice of the Scavenger Hunt, and may be called by anyone (usually the Scavenczar) at anytime. Members shall be given .25 days' notice of such meetings.
Section 3. The majority of the present members is a quorum, life essentially being a thing defined by opportunity and timing. Should he or she not be present, the Scavenczar is required to be notified of decisions made at a meeting, but members need not restrict their remarks to happenings at the meetings, and are encouraged to make disparaging remarks about the Scavenczar's work ethic, and, when appropriate, hygienic practices.
Section 4. Meetings will also occur virtually with the use of the Scav Hunt mailing list. Only Hot Side Hot are allowed to subscribe, though Hot Side Hot emeriti (such as T-Meredi) may remain on the list. This tool is useful for spreading information about meetings or items. It is not to be used to distribute either chain letters, jokes, or pornography.
Section 5. Since we're so charming and funny, minutes of the "Full Disclosure" era of the ScavHunt—that is, now—will be made public. Brainstorms about items will not, though. It is the job of the Minister of Propaganda, or other designated Judge, to concoct apparently authentic documents to this effect. This disclosure should also keep whiny members of SG quiet, as they see our inner workings and realise that, just as no one really wants to see how SG operates, everyone should want to see how the ScavHunt operates.
Section 6.No meeting bearing the name of ScavHunt shall ever be concluded while beer remains on the table.
Section 1. Election of officers shall be held at the terminus of each Scavenger Hunt active year.
Section 2. Public ballots of all standing Hot Side Hot will be considered.
Section 3. The Hot Side Hot being a compact and often meeting group, word will eventually be given to all of them. Hot Side Hot unavailable to participate in Judgment Day at Ida Noyes Hall are not eligible for nomination to be the standing officers.
Section 4. No Judge is ever permitted to nominate him or herself for anything.
Section 1. Our organization will have one or more liaison with University community. Our advisor, upon the devastating loss of Edward "The Turk" Turkington, the former Dean of Student Services, is Stacey Ergang. We feel that Stacey Ergang is an appropriate choice because we both want the students to have a maximal amount of fun with a bare minimum of damage to living things. The Scavenger Hunt has also enjoyed its dealings with Charles Farrell in the past, but is unaware of his disposition as to becoming the second faculty/staff liaison. If the Scavenger Hunt ever has Dr. Isaac Abella as a faculty advisor, the world will soon end, and, in all probability, hell has already frozen over.
Section 2. The advisors will be selected by the four High Hot Side Hot adhering to the guidelines set forth above. Fundamentals faculty should be strongly considered in order to give them something useful to do.
Section 3. Appointments will be mentioned in an offhand sort of way at meetings so as not to alarm anyone.
Section 1 The Scavenger Hunt has four standing committees: Pilgrimage, Judging, Pointing and Dinner. Pilgrimage organizes and plans the roadtrip, including embarking on exploratory mission along the proposed route. The Pilgrimage Committee is chaired by the Clark Griswold. The Scavenczar also solely manages the Judging Committee, which amends the text of Article XI to fit as a mold that should shape the practices of Scavenger Hunt personnel on Judgment Day. The Dinner Committee is charged with planning the dinner and must be composed of the finest gourmands, as they are responsible for ensuring Hot Side Hot's gustatory enjoyment.
Section 2. The previous section is far too confusing, and should therefore be declared null and void as needed.
Section 3. Appointments to the committees are on a voluntary basis, provided that each deity sits on not less than two and not more than three committees. The two integers in that previous sentence can be changed or ignored. Cold Side Cold may volunteer themselves for any Committee, besides Pointing, to be summarily turned away. Any member of Cold Side Cold volunteering for the Pointing Committee is to be regarded as suspect in the extreme, and must be dispatched efficiently.
Section 4. Ad hoc committees may be formed at any time to serve needs identified by officers. In the past these have included Finance, Advertising, Public Relations, and Facilities, but history need not be a burdensome guide, the Old Ways generally being less romantic than their survivors remember. Still, a plenitude of committees is the spice of meeting-based life, and figurehead autonomy of marginally functional groups conforms to our atavistic adherence to libertarian virtues.
Section 5. The previous section is far too confusing, and should therefore be declared null and void as needed.
Section 6. The Hot Side Hot also informally form the informal Theme (Song) Committee, which picks a catchy pop song or track by Sonic Youth every year. For history (and laughter)'s sake, the list of these songs will be appended to the bylaws by the Keeper of the Scrolls.
Section 1. Scavenger Hunt Hot Side Hot must pledge their immortal souls to the Hunt once per quarter.
Article X—Handling of Funds
Section 1. The Scavenger Hunt's immense financial resources come from its budget negotiations with ORCSA Annual Allocations and the SGFC, and as such is deposited to the SAO account (after which, as a former Scavenczar once remarked, it is never seen again). Any funds hypothetically generated by the sale of trinkets or other inconsequentials will go to the Hot Side Hot War Cehst, the disbursement of which shall be a matter for internal debate and rancour. The Scavenczar is authorized to withdraw funds and must initial all such withdrawal requests. During Periods of Famine (exempla gratis: 1999), the Scavenczar may be required to dip into his own gold-lined pockets or seek advertising whoremoney to cover costs. In the case of the former, the Hot Side Hot will feel Catholic guilt and give some of their own coin. In the case of the latter, we'll all just feel dirty for becoming Californian in our ways and means.
Section 2. In the mind-boggling event that an alum should volunteer a "shitload" of cash for the purposes of funding The Great Hunt, the Annual Allocations budget proposal may be modified in accordance by the Minister of Propaganda. However, the Scavenczar is responsible for ensuring the ultimate autonomy of the organization and especially the List. In return for their generous monies, donors may be annually provided with no more than the following returns: a schedule of public events, a non-judge t-shirt, dinner and a movie, a babysitter drawn from the Hot Side Hot ranks well-trained in the art of schmoozing, a personal letter, and a "thanks a lot, suckers," message on the official website. Should the ScavHuntSugarDaddy be presently reading these bylaws, he should be aware that of course, we are only kidding.
Article XI—Judgment Practices
Section 1. All judges during the period of the Hunt are to award points soberly, or at least fooling the Scavenczar with acts of sobriety.
Section 2. Partial credit saved all our asses in Physics class. It can, therefore, save teams, too. The Hot Side Hot can award partial credit even when it's partially due.
Section 3. Special points, that is, points not indicated in the List of Lists, should be granted with extreme discretion and discipline and only in cases of earth-shattering creativity, personal sacrifice befitting a defender at Masada, and bribery or sycophantic toadying that would make even Waylon Smithers blush. Note, however, that "smoking" with the Hot Side Hot falls outside of these criteria. Note also, however, that nudity falls outside, too. Smoking nudity, however, may just about be a free ticket into the Pantheon, but unanimous assent on behalf of the Hot Side Hot must exist on the question of whether the nudity truly is smoking.
Section 4. As always, the Scavenczar's word on points is final.
Section 5. Let n be a number for which all items with a larger point value are deemed "Showcase." Let m be a number less than n for which all items with a larger point value are deemed "Scaled" items. Showcase items are all judged at once, by all of the Hot Side Hot at once, in a manner similar to judging at diving competitions. However, no member of the Hot Side Hot should feel the need to emulate that cranky French judge with a chip on her shoulder larger than her annual makeup bill. Scaled items are all judged on a scale of 1–10, (or sometimes 11, should a Judge feel the item truly rocks) preferably using integers only, which is then converted by the judges into points using a very, very secret algorithm. Should the above method prove to be unnecessary/daunting/incompatible/moronic/way over our heads, "Showcase" items may be denoted on the List of Lists with a † or other non-secular symbol.
Section 6. All other rules pertaining to the behaviour of the Hunt participants are covered in the Rules of the Hunt, a document changed every calendar year to accommodate the various ways in which kids broke the law from the previous year. The Keeper of the Scrolls must invent a new way of saying "do whatever it takes, but do it LEGALLY" every year.
Article XII—The Great Hunt
Section 1. The Great Hunt begins on a Thursday. It ends with Judgment Day, which occurs on Mother's Day (since our mothers are all judgmental) or on the following Sunday, whichever comes first. As a courtesy, the members of Hot Side Hot are encouraged to remind the Scavenczar to call his mother on Sunday in order to avoid any hindrances to his judgment.
Section 2. The Great Hunt's Great List is distributed at the beginning of the Hunt, hopefully containing a tasteful minimum of references to The Simpsons. It will then be revised several times, leading to massive confusion. In addition to the List of Items will be a list of ScavOlympic items, and, optionally, a schedule of events for The Great Hunt. The Scavenczar shall distribute a waiver, absolving the ScandalCom of any and all scandals which will inevitably arise, before the commencement of the Hunt, to be collectd from teams before the departure of their Roadtrip Pilgrims.
Section 3. During the Hunt, special positions may be created. These usually involve the Road Trip Judge, who judges only items acquired during Pilgrimmages (as opposed to the regular members of the Hot Side Hot, who each have their own special page); the ScavOl Judge, who organises and oversees the ScavOlympics; the Special Pts. Judge, who works with the Scavenczar to determine the awarding of Special Points; and the Tally Judge, who oversees the honest entry of data into the Black Box of Scores.
Section 4. The Great Hunt is not a bachelor party. Unless it is, of course, Neal Israel's 1984 masterpiece Bachelor Party.
Section 5. Certain taboos that must be observed with every Great List involve items which damage or harm living animals, imbibing of spirits or other potables, non-intellectual theft, and/or explicit nudity.
Section 1. Bylaws may be amended by 1/4 of total membership. Amendments may not be tabled under the assumption that the amendors must care enough to attend on the given date.
Section 2. All Scavenger Hunt members will be contacted by the Scavenczar the day after amendments are made.
Section 1. "Judgment" is always spelled with only two vowels.
Section 2. Daraka is a fucking idiot.
Section 3. One member of the Hot Side Hot must every year argue vehemently for the giving of a largest treasure to the second-place squadron, just to shake things up.
Section 4. The Hot Side Hot will not act in loco parentis. It will, however, gleefully act in flagrante delicto.
Section 5. We already terrorised David Foster Wallace once during the Hunt. There is every reason to continue doing so.
Section 6. Continental orthographic conventions are preferred to the conventions we have out here in the boonies.
Section 7. These rules are valid only outside of nations known colloquially as "Ecuador."
By way of a closing statement the Scavenczar asks that this Constitution be reviewed with an open mind. Much like the Scavenger Hunt itself, this document is designed for maximum irreverence, humor and awesome semi-religious mystery (but hey, two out of three ain't bad). Should the Prime Overseer of RSOs (S/He Upon Whom All Depends) have questions concerning the true meaning of this document I, Michael Campion, Standing Scavenczar, invite them to call upon me at their convenience to explain and amend this document with them. I can be reached at 643-5857.
Since the above paragraph is tragically dated and Michael Campion is now in emeritus, we will assert that this document holds the true meaning within its words. Authorial intent being a laughable fallacy and a crutch for knuckle-dragging critics, it will be dismissed. The truth is in there, to coin a phrase.
That said, should knuckle-dragging critics want to "analyse" this text, a list of current officers is appended below, to be changed every year by the Keeper of the Scrolls.
Last Modified: Wed April 28 22:23:42 2010
1998: Weather Girls, "It's Raining Men"
1999: Vengaboys, "We Like to Party"
2000: Positive K, "I Gotta Man"
2001: The Charlie Daniels Band, "The Devil Went Down to Georgia"
2002: Andrew W.K., "Party Hard"
2003: Kenny Loggins, "Danger Zone"
2004: Junior Senior, "Move Your Feet"
2005: The Beach Boys, "I Get Around"
2006: Scorpions, "Rock You Like a Hurricane"
2007: Maldroid, "Heck No! (We Won't Listen to Techno)"
2008: The White Stripes, "Conquest"
2009: Queen and David Bowie, "Under Pressure"
2010: Adriano Celantano , "Prisencolinensinainciusol"
2011: The Foundations, "Build Me Up Buttercup"
2012: Buddy Holly, "You're So Square (Baby I Don't Care)"
List of Officers for Scavenger Hunt 2014:
Scavenczar: Andrew William Jordan
Sir Ector: Jonathan Douglas Williams
Clark Griswold: Kirsten Anne Madsen
Keeper of the Scrolls: Kirsten Anne Madsen
Hot Side Hot:
Grace Hollingsworth Chapin
Sarah Margaret Staudt
Seth Henry Berlin
Daniel marshall Wade
Michael Jacek Furdyna
Nicholas Christopher Cassleman
Catherine Zog Scharon
Paul Wilburforth Davis
Rachel Alexandra Hwang
James Edward Duehr
Jeremy Penin Ziring
Lindsey Julia Simon
Prophet Elijah: (Vacant)
Peter Bernard Borah
Christopher Michael Havlin
Patrick Joseph Augustine
Samuel Raphael Feldman
Emily Rachel Watkins
Daniel Tamor Liu Citron
Christian Farrell Kammerer
For those obsessives who believe there is some deep method to the Judges' apparent madness, the most recent version of our bylaws may be found here. Try playing it backwards.