The 2019 Active Judgeship


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Caroline Wall




Destiny Reeves


I fed an AI approximately 6,000 Judge bios, and here’s what it generated:
Destiny Reeves is a first-time for an. She’s very excited by Scav Hunt for those of you with Scav Hunt and how you Scav Hunt. Terrific, considerate, and convenient. In a dream she saw a way to survive and Destiny was full of joy. Now barge the lathe. Where lies the strangling fruit that came in to today but it wasn’t a bad idea. Destin’ys hobbies include looking for the next big thing with Please help there’s no such thing as AI they just force ghosts to haunt typewriters and all the while can she find it. If there’s a will, there’s a will. Because for how that Jeff Bezos himself ghostbusted me will know the future Mother’s Day day I just want to see my ghostcat again all the other judges. Warm Regards, Destiny.

Melissa Walsh


Blend of Vitus vinifera ‘Melissa’ and other less-uncommon varietals of the Possum Hollow region. 1998 vintage. Pale to slightly-less-pale vermillion with bubblegum rim variation. Legs lemgthy and lingering. Features overly-ripe boysenberry and unpeeled banana notes on the nose… with notions of foxglove, Earl Grey tea, Grandma’s potpourri, slate, and the budding leaves that follow a long and cruel winter. Medium-to-substantial body depending on decanting time. Offers cronchy blue, red, and black fruits in the mouth, with plenty of spicy! spicy! oak accents, framed by plush, grainy tannins and wonderful acidity that makes one’s mouth water like Pavlov’s dog. Finish is long, brambly, and more powerful than god. Decant a recommended two hours before drinking to allow the beefy tannins a chance to simmer down. Best drunk after 20 ¾ years of aging. A true snapshot of the terroir! 😊

Nell Williamson Shaffer


For ten whole years I wanted to make the acquaintance of Nell Williamson Shaffer, who is by nature a great traveler and very cosmopolitan. I knew that she had for a long time been working for an English illustrated paper and that in it had appeared engravings from her travel sketches (Spain, Turkey, the Crimea). Since then I have seen a considerable mass of these on-the-spot drawings from life, and I have thus been able to ‘read’ a detailed and daily account, infinitely preferable to any other, of the Crimean campaign. The same paper had also published (without signature, as before) a large quantity of compositions by this artist from the new ballets and operas. When at last I ran her to ground I saw at once that I was not dealing exactly with an artist but rather with a woman of the world. In this context, pray interpret the word ‘artist’ in a very narrow sense, and the expression ‘woman of the world’ in a very broad one. By ‘woman of the world’, I mean a woman of the whole world, a woman who understands the world and the mysterious and legitimate reasons behind all its customs; by ‘artist’, I mean a specialist, a woman tied to her palette like a serf to the soil. Nell does not like being called an artist. Is she not justified to a small extent? She takes an interest in everything the world over, she wants to know, understand, and assess everything that happens on the surface of our spheroid. The artist moves little, or even not at all, in intellectual and political circles. If she lives in the Breda quarter she knows nothing of what goes on in the Faubourg Saint-Germain. With two or three exceptions, which it is unnecessary to name, the majority of artists are, let us face it, very skilled brutes, mere manual laborers, village pub-talkers with the minds of country bumpkins. Their talk; inevitably enclosed within very narrow limits, quickly becomes a bore to the woman of the world, to the spiritual citizen of the universe.

Thus to begin to understand Nell, the first thing to note is that curiosity may be considered the starting point of her genius.

Photo coming soon!

Sam 'Dusty' Dulys


O Sam Dulys is a horse! A horse!
O Sam Dulys is a horse!
Watch him walk!
Watch him prance!
Just like a horse, o horse!

He judges at a gallop!
Watch that centaur man go!
He clip-clops loud!
He has much to be proud!
Whence he come to or fro!

From noble steed is he bred!
From his bloodline is the well-read!
His judge blood course through his veins!
As a powerful centaur-horse!

His dressage skills are well known!
For he hath dance all through Rome!
His fancy footwork is that of a stallion!
Half centaur-man!
Half judgling, half mad!
and O, half horse, half horse!

O Sam Dulys is a horse! A horse!
O Sam Dulys is a horse!
O Sam Dulys is a horse! A horse!
O Sam Dulys is a horse!

Abbie Reeves


I love to really WOW my guests during the holidays. Who doesn’t love looking like a rock star? It’s so to fun make something really special that people rave about and then ask for the recipe. Gosh I love that! This year, I’ve got THE ULTIMATE appetizer for the holidays. It’s my infamous Abbie Reeves Balls. You just gotta make this!

It seems really fancy but it’s actually super easy to make! This is a great way to serve Judge at your holiday parties without breaking the bank. One more thing. Abbie Reeves Balls are back in style big time! Don’t buy one. The homemade ones taste so much better! I love homemade Abbie Reeves Balls because you can make them ahead. In fact, you need to make this the morning of or a day before your party. I also love them because they serve a crowd and they look so pretty on your holiday buffet! So come on, let’s get this party started!

Mix in by hand crab, shrimp and green onions. Spoon the mixture onto a large sheet of plastic wrap. Use plastic wrap to form the mixture into a ball. Wrap well and refrigerate for at least a few hours or overnight. Unwrap the ball and roll in chopped parsley. Place Abbie Reeves Ball on a decorative plate. Drizzle cocktail sauce over the top. My favorite way to serve this is surrounded by freshly LaTeX’d List printouts.

How gorgeous is this? When you cut into it you see all that gorgeous Abbie and Reeves! Serve this at your holiday get together and there is no question it will be a huge hit! You can bet people will be asking for the recipe. Click Abbie Reeves Balls for my complete printable recipe. Happy Holidays!

Alex Hearn


This is it, Alex, the moment you’ve been preparing for. You’ve spent countless hours building your brand™ all for this one chance to show the world that you’re made of tougher stuff than they gave you credit for. No, you’re not going to cry, you’re going to grin through clenched teeth and carefully type each character and show them you like the pain. The Twitter Elders (the Big Birds) are watching and they will not grant you a second chance to earn that blue check. Inhale. Exhale. Ready? Send tweet:

Colonel, I’m trying to sneak around but I’m dummy thicc and the BOOM CLAP the sound of my cheeks the beat goes on and on and on and on and

David Klinger


EMERGENCY OVERVIEW:

Appearance: clear, colorless liquid. Flash Point: 204 K
Danger! Extremely flammable liquid and vapor. Breathing vapor may induce drowsiness, dizziness, and hallucinations of the CTA voice telling you that this is Jackson doors open on the left at Jackson. Aspiration hazard if swallowed. Can enter liver, spleen, and bleen and cause damage. Prolonged or repeated contact may dry the humor and cause irritation. Target Organs: Liver, spleen, bleen, Mr. Clean, Quentin Tarantin, Green Scream the Mean Bean, Thomas the Tank Engeen, eyes, skin.

Note to Physician: Treat symptomatically and supportively.

Physical and Chemical Properties:
Physical State: Liquid
Appearance: Clear, colorless
Odor: Ever been to a Yankee Candle and smelled like five hundred candles and walked out high on wax? Like right before then
pH: Now that would be telling
Solubility: Soluble.

Gabrielle Dulys


Gabrielle Dulys (ガブリエル • デュリス ) is a Japanese animated science-fiction television series animated by Sunrise featuring a production team led by director Shinichirō Watanabe, screenwriter Keiko Nobumoto, character designer Toshihiro Kawamoto, mechanical designer Kimitoshi Yamane, and composer Yoko Kanno. The twenty-six episodes ("sessions") of the series are set in the year 2071, and follow the lives of a bounty hunter crew traveling in their spaceship called the Gabrielle. Although it covers a wide range of genres throughout its run, Gabrielle draws most heavily from science fiction, western and noir films, and its most recurring thematic focal points include adult existential ennui, loneliness and the difficulties of trying to escape one's past.

Joey Valdez


For most of our biological history Joey existed fleetingly; his main mode of transmission was the one called “word of mouth.” Lately, however, he has managed to adhere in solid substance: clay tablets, cave walls, paper sheets. He achieve longevity through our pens and printing presses, magnetic tapes and optical disks. He spread via broadcast towers and digital networks. Joey may be stories, recipes, skills, legends or fashions. We copy him, one person at a time. Alternatively, he copies himself.

Joey could travel wordlessly even before language was born. Plain mimicry is enough to replicate Joey—how to chip an arrowhead or start a fire. Among animals, chimpanzees and gorillas are known to acquire Joey by imitation. Some species of songbirds learn their songs, or at least song variants, after hearing them from neighboring birds (or, more recently, from ornithologists with audio players). Birds develop song repertoires and song dialects—in short, they exhibit a birdsong culture that predates human culture by eons. These special cases notwithstanding, for most of human history Joey and language have gone hand in glove. Language serves as Joey's first catalyst. He supersedes mere imitation, spreading knowledge by abstraction and encoding.

Dan Cohen


Some people call them The Space Cowboy, Desperado, Rough Rider, but no you don’t want nada. Any damsel that’s in distress be outta distress when they meet Dan Cohen. So go check the roughneck, watch your step, and don’t let your neck react, because they’ll flex and get a hold of your dress, swallow your buffalo before you get BEES.

You don’t wanna see their hand where their hand be at.

Eren Ahn


Like any good Scav Hunt Judge, Eren ponders. What makes a good item? Where should Road Trip go this year? How many Red Vines® are too many?

Isn’t acting just reacting? If someone’s heart is in a trillion places, which piece of their heart should they follow? Why do people purchase VR headsets when the highest-quality VR apparatus is just real life? Is a marble bust of Mike Wazowski actually a nude statue, since his chin is also his crotch?

When making plans, which is better: being down for something, or up for something? Why is it that, just like in Tetris®, when you fit in, you disappear? What is the speed of dark? Since birds keep their heads stable while their bodies move, would a chicken and a GoPro® make a good steadicam? Why do we blame society if we are society?

Eva 'Slawdog' Brotslaw


Eva Brotslaw is a cartoon fictional character created by Elzie Crisler Segar. The character first appeared in the daily King Features comic strip Thimble Theatre on January 17, 1929, and Slawdog became the strip's title in later years.

Eva's story and characterization vary depending on the medium. Originally, Eva got "luck" from rubbing the head of the Whiffle Hen; by 1932, she was instead getting "strength" from eating sauerkraut. Swee'Pea is Eva's ward in the comic strips, but she is often depicted as belonging to Olive Oyl in cartoons.

There is no absolute sense of continuity in the stories, although certain plot and presentation elements remain mostly constant, including purposeful contradictions in Brotslaw's capabilities. Eva seems bereft of manners and uneducated, yet she often comes up with solutions to problems that seem insurmountable to the police or the scientific community. She has displayed Sherlock Holmes-like investigative prowess, scientific ingenuity, and successful diplomatic arguments. Her pipe also proves to be highly versatile. Among other things, it has served as a cutting torch, jet engine, propeller, periscope, musical instrument, and a whistle with which she produces her trademark toot. She also eats kraut through her pipe, sometimes sucking in the can along with the contents. Since the 1970s, Slawdog is seldom depicted using her pipe to smoke tobacco.

Photo coming soon!

Michael Hochman


Michael Hochman had always hated sad The Reg with its slippery, substantial stacks. It was a place where he felt elated.
He was a lonely, sick, water drinker with thin eyeball and wrinkly ear. His friends saw him as a slippery, substantial saint. Once, he had even jumped into a river and saved an alert old lady. That's the sort of man he was.
Michael walked over to the window and reflected on his grey surroundings. The hail pounded like destroying lynx.
Then he saw something in the distance, or rather someone. It was the figure of Scav . Scav was a kind egg with lanky eyeball and sexy ear.
Michael gulped. He was not prepared for Scav.
As Michael stepped outside and Scav came closer, he could see the eggy glint in her eye. Scav gazed with the affection of a generous whispering wombat. She said, in hushed tones, "I love you and I want a hug."
Michael looked back, even more frisky and still fingering the large chair. "Scav, you are the father," he replied.
They looked at each other with grumpy feelings, like two dirty, diced dog eating at a very motivated party, which had reggae music playing in the background and two diligent uncles selling to the beat.
Michael regarded Scav's lanky eyeball and sexy ear. "I feel the same way!" revealed Michael with a delighted grin.
Scav looked angry, her emotions blushing like a black, boiling book.
Then Scav came inside for a nice drink of water.

Featuring Ori Brian as 'Head Judge'


My name is Ori
And I'm here to say
You should eat pizza
The Scav Judge way

Cardboard on the bottom
Pineapple on the top
With Cholie's Pizza
The fun don't stop

So come to 53rd
Or pick up the phone
And order a pie
Of your own!

The above message, in lieu of a bio for the Head Judge, was sponsored by Cholie's Pizza.


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