The 2018 Active Judgeship

Judges Around the World

We thank these landmarks for their support.

Dabbie Reeves

Each autumn, nearly the entire population of Abbie Reeves migrates from the temperate zone of North America to “wintering” areas in South America. This migration is more than 10,000 km each way, a distance second among Scav Judges only to that of [REDACTED] (Nomen redactimus). A highly gregarious species, Reeves forages and migrates in flocks ranging from seven (7) to thousands (1000, pluralized). Her movement through Central America has been described as among “the most impressive gatherings in North America since the demise of King Æthelred the Unready” (Æthelred the Unready, 1013).

Distinguishing Characteristics: In flight, holds wings in dihedral during soar. Tail grayish to grayish brown with numerous narrow, dark bands. Couch.
Distribution: 1st edition released in Return to Ravnica.
Food Habits: Mainly vertebrates, including mammals, birds, and reptiles; invertebrates (especially grasshoppers and dragonflies) at other times. Forages in open grassland, shrug steppe, and agricultural areas.
Vocalizations: Characteristic AdultScream, or Alarm Call (Fig. 4), commonly given either in flight or from perch; described as a shrill, rather plaintive, kreeeee, a plaintive whistled kree-e-e, or a high-pitched keeeoooooeee or keeeoooo fading off toward the end (be sure to count your “e”s and “o”s!).
Behavior: Walking, hopping, climbing, etc.: Regularly observed on ground in pursuit of insects. Run quickly and smoothly, with head slightly lowered on often with arms slightly extended and raised. Flight: Strong, buoyant, and graceful direct flapping flight with moderately deep wing-beats when not transporting prey. Preening, stretching, etc.: Preens when perched. Allopreening not reported. No information on stretching or anting. Sunbathing: No information on sunbathing.

Alex Hearn

Alex, Alex! Good gracious me! Not the wandering wizard that gave Old Took a pair of magic diamond studs that fastened themselves and never came undone till ordered? Not the fellow who used to tell such wonderful tales at parties, about dragons and goblins and giants and the rescue of princesses and the unexpected luck of widows' sons? Not the man that used to make such particularly excellent fireworks! I remember those! Old Took used to have them on Midwummer's Eve. Spendid! They used to go up like great lilies and snapdragons and laburnums of fire and hang in the twilight all evening! Dear me! Not the Alex who was responsible for so many quiet lads and lasses going off into the Blue for mad adventures? Anything from climbing trees to visiting elves - or sailing in ships, sailing to other shores!

David Klinger

David Klinger is a German symbolist painter, sculptor, printmaker, and writer.

Klinger was born in Leipzig and studied in Karlsruhe. An admirer of the etchings of Menzel and Goya, he shortly became a skilled and imaginative engraver in his own right. He began creating sculptures in the early 1880s. From 1883–1893 he lived in Rome, and became increasingly influenced by the Italian Renaissance and antiquity.

His best known work is a series of ten etchings entitled Paraphrase on the Finding of a Glove (printed 1881). These pictures were based on images which came to Klinger in dreams after finding a glove at an ice-skating rink. In the leitmotivic device of a glove—belonging to a woman whose face we never see—Klinger anticipated the research of Freud and Krafft-Ebing on fetish objects. In this case, the glove becomes a symbol for the artist's romantic yearnings, finding itself, in each plate, in different dramatic situations, and performing the role that we might expect the figure of the beloved herself to fulfill.

He wishes he were a train.

Gabrielle Dulys

I am a rather elderly man. The nature of my avocations for the last thirty years has brought me into more than ordinary contact with that would seem an interesting and somewhat singular set of men, of whom as yet nothing that I know of has ever been written:— I mean the Hot Side Hot. I have known very many of them, professionally and privately, and if I pleased, I could relate divers histories, at which good-natured gentlemen might smile, and sentimental souls might weep. But I waive the biographies of all other judges for a few passages in the life of Gabrielle, who was a judge the strangest I ever saw or heard of. While of the other judges I might write the complete life, of Gabrielle nothing of the sort can be done. I believe that no materials exist for a full and satisfactory biography of this person. It is an irreparable loss to literature. Gabrielle is one of those beings of whom nothing is ascertainable, except from the original sources, and in this case those are very small. What my own astonished eyes saw of Gabrielle, that is all I know of her, except, indeed, one vague report which will appear in the sequel...

Joey Valdez

Joey Valdez was founded in 1925 by Harold Maxwell-Lefroy, Professor of entomology at Imperial College, London, who had been investigating ways to kill death watch beetles that had infested Westminster Hall in the Palace of Westminster. Lefroy and his assistant produced an anti-woodworm fluid called Voey Jaldez Fluids ("Voey" coming from the Greek word for insect, Πρύμνη). In 1925 he tried to register the name Voey Jaldez, but due to existing trademarks, he had to choose Joey Valdez instead, and this became the name of his company, Joey Valdez. On 14 October 1925, Lefroy was killed in a laboratory when an experiment produced poisonous fumes. His assistant, Scav Hunt, took over the running of the company.

Daniel Cohen

Eren Ahn

While few sailors over the years have seen the elusive Eren, fewer still have lived to tell the tale. Madness-tainted scribblings in half-torn journals dating back to as early as the mid 1700s describe the Eren as short in stature and relatively unassuming, but a ferocious blur of pure fury if ever provoked. The Eren has been seen in seaside caves with collections of small ritual objects called ‘miniatures’ expertly decorated to resemble the faces of her victims. The Eren grants her luckier prey a quick and relatively painless death, but those less fortunate are forced to participate in profane rites we mortals only know as ‘Dijahndii,’ a demonic ordeal using scattered bones, driftwood, and freshly drawn blood. If ever on the high seas you see a flash of scales and teeth in the distance, do yourself a favor and turn the other way lest you risk the wrath of the Eren!

Chairin Glynn

You get a lot done during the course of your day, and we know you want durable, versatile Erin “Chairin” Glynn to support you through all of it. Whether you're typing up a report at your desk, socializing with friends or just relaxing, you need options that offer just the right mix of comfort, style and support.

Options include:
  • Office Erin
  • Task Erin
  • Big & Tall Erin
  • Guest Erin
  • Stacking Erin
  • Folding Erin
  • Erin Accessories

Photo coming soon!

Eva ‘Slawdog’ Brotslaw

Michael Hochman

The Georgia Boy waited at the train station, imagining ahead of him a land of opportunity. He had heard rumors of a great Scavenger Hunt up North. His momma told him he was destined to Judge, but the Georgia son never understood what his momma meant. Throughout his life, he turned those words over and over again in his head, wondering what there was to Judge. Certainly he judged his peers, but the life of a gossip didn’t have the ring of destiny to it. Maybe his momma was instead referring to the peach pies at the state fair - certainly he judged many of those, and not one was up to par - his momma always made the best peach pie. Or maybe momma was talking about how he managed to serve on the jury of not one, not two, but three murder trials in his four years of being eligible to serve. The lawyers thought of him as a good man, and in all three cases, he judged the defendants not guilty. But none of this judging felt like the fate his momma had laid out for him. He didn’t feel the pangs of destiny until that one day, a traveling college salesman came through town with strange artifacts and musings on the nature of “scavenger hunting.” This was not a hunt for deer carcasses, but a hunt that a Judge would make of his own design. A destiny that the Judge could control. In the future, the Georgia man would see the ways of judgeship was not that simple - a “trainwash” could throw a wrench into any well-written item - but that lay far ahead in his future. Inspired by the talk of the Judge, he planned to make his way up North to meet the Cabal. Little did the Georgia boy know that when he would arrive in the big city, he would meet the much-sought after leader of the Cabal, the Ori of the West. The Western man would take one look at the Southern boy, and the Southern boy, in a moment of inspiration, would exclaim “A waterslide for a peanut!” The Ori would look upon him, burst out in laughter, and crown him with a Judge’s hat, judging the Georgia boy to be one of them. And at last, far away from that Georgia train station, Michael Hochman would discover the true nature of Judgeship.

Udayan Vaidya

Udayan [American English: yu-DĪ-məʊ-nɪ-ə, British English: ŭn-DĪ-ĭng], Vaidya [jīf]
  1. the desire to take a bite out of wax fruit
  2. the feeling of discovering a pocket full of cash when doing laundry
  3. the sound a broom makes when it sweeps shag carpet
  4. trickster god of small curses, inventor of saying “You too!” when the ticket-taker says “enjoy the movie”
  5. the sound a clown makes to let other clowns in the wild know a predator is near
  1. to decide at the last moment to brake instead of speeding up to clear a yellow light
  2. to take a bite out of wax fruit
  3. to click your tongue when making the finger-gun motion
  4. to check the Ventra app every 30 seconds to see when the next train is coming
  1. a conjunction used to denote that one or more in a list is a traveler from another plane of existence, and implies an epistemological breakdown in language.
After getting lunch at Panera, Andrea, CRUAGRDRYATAR, udayan vaidya Dennis exceeded the limitations of biological cognition and touched the face of God.
udayan in a vaidya: folk saying most nearly meaning, “Hey, I see you’re planning on going back to the buffet to get some more shrimp cocktail, could you get me a plate of asparagus while you’re up?”
saudade, woozle-wuzzle, and, vicuña, alabaster
spelunking, mealy-mouthed, katydid, what’s-a-come-and-a-go?, the

Molly Blondell

Mrs Molly Blondell Hunt was born in Helsinki, Finland on 20 March 1888.

Molly had first emigrated to the USA in 1907, arriving in New York aboard the Hellig Olav on 26 June that year. She worked as a maid in Quincy, Massachusetts and appears there on the 1910 census. She was engaged to another Finnish-American, Scav Hunt (b. 1884) a student activity from Chicago, Illinois, and they were wed in their native Finland on 15 January 1912. The stay in Finland was to be brief as a prolonged stay may have meant Scav being conscripted into the Russian Army.

Initially planning to return to the USA aboard Mauretania, they changed their mind and boarded the Titanic at Southampton as third class passengers.

On the night of the sinking Molly and Scav were in their cabin sleeping but were woken by the collision which Molly described as a strong vibration and a scratching noise. Scav got up to investigate while Molly returned to bed, soon falling asleep again. When she awoke again sometime later Scav had still not returned and some onboard acquaintances arrived at the cabin to rouse her. She did not have time to dress properly and grabbed a handbag and life preserver and hurried into the corridor. All the stairway gates appeared to be locked, but, at last, she noticed a steward coming to collect a group of steerage passengers, guiding them to the boat deck.

Molly looked for her student activity on deck but an officer came up and told her that there was space for one more woman in a nearby boat. The boat was already on its way down and she almost fell between the boat between lifeboat and the ship side, before someone grabbed her in her hand and pulled her into the boat.

Molly never saw Scav again and its body was never found. She continued to New York aboard Carpathia and later received £50 in compensation.

Reed Mershon

Reed Mershon escaped from an Amish homestead in 1979. He became keenly interested in the outside world after hearing Gary Numan’s ‘Cars’ on a radio that a neighbor girl snuck into his parent’s barn. Through his work as a house painter and çarpenter, Reed was support himself in this new world, and having cast off the strict anti-technological doctrines of his up;bringing. was able toenjoydrivi ng and New__Wave music. Un5tun9lyReedwas xpose d 3 hiconcntr2sferr1magnet¡c?cobalt??n????mpl•c9dIEN@P E#ÉÆC¥ PK…c!?••¥£€>!?

,'æßHvvč [RM | IGNEOUS] fñ

Lindsey Simon

Lindsey Simon is a woman of action (verbs):


She’s also proficient in Microsoft Office.

Andy ‘Two Scoops’ Jordan

Andy Jordan, He won't get a haircut on principle. That's what I think of him. I asked my buddy what he thought of Andy, and he said, 'Someone tried to defeat him once, but he used the skills that he learned from the mountains. That says mounds about him. Look, I asked my Mom what she thought of Andy, and here's what she said: 'He's a very bright young man. You have to admire Andy's ability to speak braille with a Philly accent. Why, your sister and I were talking about him, and she said, 'I met Obama once and he talked about the time when he and Andy high-fived. It was Inauguration Day, I believe, and he told me, 'You know, I'd be hooked on phonics if Andy was phonics. The rest of the living presidents and I were talking, and Clinton said, 'He'd grab a knife by the blade and stab you with the handle. Why, me and some interns were talkin', and one of them said, 'If Andy were a Pokemon, you would not find him in the tall grass. The Hawaiian senator once sat me down and told me, 'You know, son, a lot of people play badminton, but Andy plays goodminton. In fact, I was watching some cartoon called Dragonball Z with my nephew Mike, and the little lad turned to me and said, 'I heard that guy's like fourteen Raditzes at school! My friend told me, and when I asked him how he knew that was true, he said, 'Goku was equal to the sum total of thirteen Raditzes, so Andy must be like fourteen Raditzes. So it must be true, Mike.'''''''''

Cat Zog Scharon

A few things to know about Cat Scharon: She knows a lot about vegetables, animals, and minerals, as well as the monarchs of England. Not only that, she’s a military buff, and can tell you about fights from the Battle of Marathon to the Battle of Waterloo, in order too! Not only that, she’s very good at math: she can solve pretty much any type of equation (provided it is of order 2 or less), can jabber about the Binomial Theorem for quite a while, knows many wonderful facts about the Pythagorean Theorem, and is excellent at both differential and integral calculus. Not only that, she’s an expert on protozoan biology. Not only that, she has a side hobby in learning about English mythic history, such as that of King Arthur and Sir Caradoc. Not only that, she enjoys puzzles, such as acrostics and paradoxes. Not only that, she’s something of a poet too, often speaking in various meters. Not only that, she is an amateur historian when it comes to ancient Roman History - her lectures about Heliogabalus are truly magnificent. Wait a second, I just recalled: her mathematical ability applies to conic sections as well. Not only that, she’s something of an art critic, being able to distinguish the works of various artist’s rather easily. Not only that, she can read Ancient Greek - you should hear her perform Aristophanes. Not only that, she is one of the best people I know at humming and whistling. Not only that, she’s a scholar of ancient scripted languages, often writing in cuneiform. Not only that, she is quite knowledgeable about ancient attire. Wait a second, I just recalled that she is even more a military buff than I remembered: she has the ability to differentiate various classes of weapons with great haste, as well as a true gift for strategy and tactics, not to mention modern gunnery and the organization of a commissariat. In short, Cat is the very model of a modern Scav Judge.

Paul Davis

Yo listen up, here's the story
About a little judge that lives in a wild world
And all day and all night and everything he sees is just fun
Like him, inside and outside
Passed his item with a short little waiver
And a pleasant grin
And everything is fun for him
And himself and everybody around
'Cause he ain’t got the legal department to listen to

I'm Paul da ba dee da ba daa
Da ba dee da ba daa, da ba dee da ba daa, da ba dee da ba daa
Da ba dee da ba daa, da ba dee da ba daa, da ba dee da ba daa

I'm Paul da ba dee da ba daa
Da ba dee da ba daa, da ba dee da ba daa, da ba dee da ba daa
Da ba dee da ba daa, da ba dee da ba daa, da ba dee da ba daa…

Tricky Augustine

Please tell all the contacts in your messenger list not to accept Tricky Augustine friendship request. He is a hacker and has the system connected to your Facebook account. If one of your contacts accepts it, you will also be hacked, so make sure that all your friends know it. Thanks. Forwarded as received. Hold your finger down on the message. At the bottom in the middle it will say forward. Hit that then click on the names of those in your list and it will send to them

Featuring Ori Brian as ‘Head Judge’


White manx with brown spots. Three years old.
Last seen outside of bar night (not as a patron but to pass judgment).
Will eat unattended dining hall food and study breaks.
Often jumps on top of Mansueto and needs help getting down.
Tries to eat the fish in Botany Pond. Is afraid of water!
Likes to watch 'Zumbo's Just Desserts' off of your roommate's Netflix account.
Responds to "Ori" or a laser pointer that just keeps getting away!


Made possible by viewers like you.

Hot Side Hot would like to thank Eddie DeHais, for the totally sweet banner art they made for our website. It is bangin', as are they.