Judge Bios

Andy Jordan

Scavenczar

All was still, save for the wind that whistled through the trees - gently swaying the cocoon. A nondescript mass of silk, twigs, and Cholie's boxes, few would have paid it any mind if they had seen it, but Andy Jordan had chosen his place with secrecy in mind. Wondrous mysteries were growing within, and they needed to be safely hidden from prying eyes.

Until now.

The Scav-nest began to pulse, slowly at first but building in force and urgency. Strange lights and vivid colors swirled inside, and the air was filled with the sound of hammering, buzzes, and delighted laughter. Cracks grew across the surface, threatening to rip the Cholie's apart. Finally, as an epic guitar riff blared in the background, Andy tore fully free. The whole world could at last witness his beauty and glory, awesome sunglasses and all. And in his hands, most magnificent of all, was the List...

Jonathan Williams

Sir Ector

Mr. Williams requires no introduction.

Kirsten Madsen

Keeper of the Scrolls, Clark Griswold

Kirsten Madsen was born in Athens near the turn of the 20th century. She/Xe participated as a 2nd Lieutenant in charge of silliness and mischief in the Greco-Turkish War , during the last year of operations (1922). According to war reports She/Xe was notorious for filling Captains' boots with pudding on the battlefield.

When Love entered World War II, She/Xe was positioned on the Island of Misfit Toys, as a commander of the 1st Battery, First Aid Kit, and Clean Clothes Regiment, part of the 8th "Negligible" Division. During the Fascist "The Man" invasion at the sector of "Free Will Mountain," She/Xe ardently defended "dudes and brodettes everywhere" and inflicted serious damage to the oncoming enemy, who was soon repulsed from Hippie soil. During the next months She/Xe participated in the counter offensive, which resulted in the successful advance of the "Totally Free Love" forces deep into enemy-held territories of Congress and your parents' banks.

After the Maturity invasion in support of Fascist "the Man," in April that same generation, the front collapsed and the Free Army capitulated. As part of the capitulation terms the Love soldiers had to surrender their guns to adulthood, but our noble peace warrior rejected such a humiliating turn of events and as a final act of heroism ordered Shis/Xer men/womyn to collect the guns of his battery and first aid kits and then to sing "Prisencolinensinainciusol" looking to the past, where the rest of freedom lay. After saluting Shis/Xer guns She/Xe ordered to set them on fire, while during the explosions She/Xe took a life reassignment pill and committed suicide in a blaze of glory.

Michael Furdyna

Wampir

He lives in me. He lives in you

Seth Berlin

I have seen mist-shrouded mountains, and I have seen that mist from the peaks of those mountains. I have seen the shores of distant lands growing in the distance, and I have seen them retreating just as fast. I have seen all the superlatives of this world: the hottest, highest, deepest, brightest, lowest, darkest, coldest, shallowest places there are. Seth Berlin showed me them.

I have seen the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness. I have seen attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I have seen fuchsia pantsuits and menstrual-pink sportcoats and maroon-and-purple warm-ups and white loafers worn without socks. I have seen by Time's fell hand defaced the rich proud cost of outworn buried age. Seth Berlin showed me them.

I have seen nations tumble into dust. I have never once seen Seth Berlin falter. I have seen the titans of history brought low. I have never once seen Seth Berlin err. I have seen all there is to see and all there ever will be to see. I have seen only the slightest fraction of what Seth Berlin can show me. I have seen everything but Seth Berlin. I have seen nothing.

Grace Chapin

Grace Chapin is a horse!

Grace Chapin is a horse!

Look at her dance!

Look at her go!

Look at her dance like a horse!

Grace Chapin is a horse!

Grace Chapin is a horse!

Look at her dance!

Look at her go!

Look at her dance like a horse!

Grace Chapin is a horse!

Grace Chapin is a horse!

Look at her dance!

Look at her go!

Look at her dance like a horse!

Paul Davis

Colonel Paul Wilburforth "Wilbie" Davis IV was the master of jazzercises for the development regiment of the 23rd division of Illinois ("Artists' Folly") for the Union forces. Having been born of the Lord and parents Eugenia and Paul Wilburforth Davis III on May 23, 1834, Col. Davis was educated at home with a training that emphasized the glory of manly sports and exercises, excluding from manliness but inclusive of his learned spirit the art of Tap Dancing, which was his passion. Having been appointed to the position of Colonel after his courageous action to lead his countrymen in a most creative and bewildering interpretive dance in support of the North at the Battle of Butts Valley, Col. Davis was hailed as a courageous leader, as well as a top contender for senator in Illinois in the elections of 1860, before his removal from consideration after the revelation that he had received merely the Certificate of Merit, and not the Beginner's Medal as he so stated, in Miss Maisie's Juvenile Tap Dancing Jubilee 1843.

Col. Davis was taken by a fury of the dancing spirits and was last seen falapping in to the sunset at Scavenger's Field battleground on this day, fifth May 1863 and is now classified as missing, presumed weird. Colonel Davis was preceded in death by his parents, eighteen siblings, and his mount Wildcard, a Centralian appaloosa of much beauty and regard, who passed in 1861 as a result of the vile aggression of the South, manifested in the Devil's most heinous form of a gangrenous infection to the scrotum.

Jim Duehr

-- I will drink

Life to the lees: all times I have enjoyed

Greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those

That loved me, and alone; on shore, and when

Through scudding drifts the rainy Hyades

Vexed the dim sea: I am become a name;

For always roaming with a hungry heart

Much have I seen and known; cities of men

And manners, climates, councils, governments,

Myself not least, but honoured of them all;

And drunk delight of battle with my peers,

Far on the ringing plains of windy Troy.

I am a part of all that I have met;

Yet all experience is an arch wherethrough

Gleams that untravelled world, whose margin fades

For ever and for ever when I move.

Rachel Hwang

Comrade Hwang was born in the sect camp on Mt. Paektul on February 16 Juche 31, in a historical period when a new advance was being made in the development of the Korean and world revolution. From her childhood, Comrade Hwang was extraordinarily clever and wise. From her early years, Comrade Hwang possessed the power of keen observation, the power of clear analysis, and extraordinary perspicacity with regard to things and phenomena. She had a faculty for creative thinking, regarding every problem with an innovative eye. Courageous and ambitious, Comrade Hwang did everything in a big way; she had a strong and daring character which enabled her to carry difficult tasks to completion with her own efforts, once she started it. Possessed of warm human love and broadmindedness, she was always generous, unceremonious and warm-hearted among people. Her natural disposition was nurtured, so developing the traits and qualities of a future judge, thanks to the exceptional education she received from her parents. Now in her adulthood, she has dedicated her life to fair and loving judgement of all things. Scav is merely a diversion from great things of significance she must yet accomplish.

Cat Scharon

Zog "Cat" Scharon

Serves 5, on a good day

2 cups almond flour, sifted twice

4 tbsp baking soda

1 tsp MSG

Half of a standard chicken bouillon cube

1 tsp celery seed

2 tbsp Earthsmart(tm) superfine sugar

1.5 packages dry active yeast

1 cup grey poopon

2 tsp baby koala tears

1/ 2 cup pale ale

3/ 4 cup + 2 tbsp blue agave syrup

A pinch of almond extract

1. Preheat oven to 220 degrees C

2. Combine dry ingredients in a bowl and whisk together

3. Combine wet ingredients and beat with an electric mixer until frothy

4. Fold dry ingredients into wet ingredients in three parts

5. Pour mixture into an ungreased 9x13 inch casserol pan

6. Bake for 40 minutes

Julian Schwaller

Through the pre-dawn fog burst the rays of the rising sun and the staccato of sneakers on gravel. The sweats earn their name as Julian huffs up the lakeshore path, his memories behind him and his goals ahead. Soon, a melody meets the percussion of his progress. To the beats of his shoes comes the soft song of a bird. His soul calmed to the call of the Larch. The Larch is a tree, Julian muttered, as he pounded inexorably into the foggy future.

Lindsey Simon

Lindsey Simon (Lindsey Simon) is a good-natured but superficial girl who is attractive, popular, and extremely wealthy. A few months shy of her sixteenth birthday, she has risen to the top of the high-school social scene, and is happy and self-assured in her insular, fashion-obsessed world. She lives in a Beverly Hills mansion with her father, a ferocious $500-an-hour litigator. Lindsey's best friend is Dionne Davenport, who is also rich, pretty, and hip, and understands what it's like to be envied.

Among the few people to find much fault with Lindsey is Scav, her socially conscious ex-stepbrother who visits during a break from college. They spar continually but without malice; she refers to him as "granola breath" and mocks his scruffy idealism, while he teases her for being selfish, vain, and superficial, and says that her only direction in life is "toward the mall."

Events reach crisis stage after Lindsey fails her driver's test and can't "renegotiate" the result. When Lindsey returns home, crushed, Tai confides that she's taken a fancy to Scav and wants Lindsey to help her "get" him. Lindsey says she doesn't think Scav is right for Tai, and they quarrel. Lindsey, left all alone, begins to think she has created a monster in her own image. Feeling "totally clueless," she reflects on her priorities and her repeated failures to understand or appreciate the people in her life. Most of all, she keeps thinking about Scav and Tai, and wonders why she cares so much.

After much soul searching (which includes a solo shopping spree around various Beverly Hills boutiques), Lindsey realizes she has fallen in love with Scav. She begins making awkward but sincere efforts to live a more purposeful life, even captaining the school's Pismo Beach disaster relief effort. A scene near the end of the film finds Lindsey and Scav stumbling over how to admit their mutual feelings for one another, culminating in a tender kiss on the stairs of her home.

The film has a happy Hollywood ending for Lindsey: Mr. Hall and Miss Geist get married; her friendships with Tai and Dionne are reaffirmed and solidified; Tai and Travis are in love; and now, in Scav's arms, she too has finally found love.

Sarah Staudt

Sarah Staudt, better known by her stage name, $illy $trings, began her illustrious career on the electric harp as a street performer. While performing a cover of Destiny's Child's Independent Women Part 1 one day in downtown Chicago, she was heard by a talent agent and quickly offered a full recording contract. The premier electric harpist playing Hip-Hop and R&B covers of her time, $illy $trings took the country by storm soon after that day. Moving to Los Angeles for a period of 8 years allowed her to release two albums, Jamz from the Harp Volumes I and II. She won numerous Grammy awards for these works. She is also famous as a guest judge on a number of reality television competition programs including moderate hits Sweden's Next Great Cover Band and American Gardeners (her expertise in judging the latter competition remains a mystery). In 2011, Sarah retired her stage moniker, claiming "I just feel like I lost the vibes." She does still have a love of judging ridiculous competitions though, and now makes her career solely by rotating through them.

Dan Wade

Jeremy Ziring

Why can't you be more like Jeremy? Jeremy has never had sand in his shoes. Jeremy has never cried in an airport. Jeremy has never not known what time it was. Jeremy has never initiated a seemingly unrelated but in fact delicately interconnected series of events culminating in an innocent person's death. Jeremy has never had a hangnail. Jeremy has never had to be reminded that there is no apostrophe in "Reynolds Club." Jeremy has never harnessed the ancient powers of a mysterious amulet for purposes relating to dark magic, intentionally or accidentally. Jeremy has never eaten popcorn off the floor. Jeremy has never made a big deal about the cult dedicated to his eyebrows. Jeremy has never resurrected someone who didn't want to be resurrected. Jeremy has never tried to push a door marked "pull." Jeremy has never tried to pull a door marked "push." Jeremy has never faltered from his one true path. Jeremy has never resented a baby.

Jeremy does something every day that scares him. Jeremy has a spare tire handy at all times. Jeremy has been haunted by angry ghosts on a number of different occasions, but never lost his temper at any of them. Jeremy has actually read and agreed to the terms and conditions above. Jeremy invented several of the most popular colors in use today. Jeremy can turn into an eagle, but he usually doesn't, because one of his friends is scared of birds. Jeremy dreams in ancient, long-forgotten languages. Jeremy taught a bunch of crabs how to use the internet. Jeremy always knows exactly what you're talking about. Jeremy finds piles of sapphires on the ground wherever he goes, but he only takes one or two at a time, leaving the rest for someone else to find and then going on his merry way. Jeremy is friends with your parents and on good terms with both members of Clipse.

Jeremy is the change you want to see in the world. Jeremy is a lifestyle. Jeremy is a reason to be your best self. Jeremy is a state of mind. Jeremy is the wisdom and love of your ancestors, guiding you always. Jeremy is the sound you hear when you put a seashell up to your face. Jeremy is the unwavering faith that Beyonce and Jay-Z will be together forever. Jeremy is the space between dreams and reality. Jeremy is your heritage. Jeremy is your future. Jeremy is a student at the University of Chicago who helps plan a scavenger hunt.

Nicholas Cassleman

Constructed from not 15, not 16, but a full 17 pounds of food-grade aluminum, Nicholas Cassleman was said to have been first assembled in an abandoned ping-pong ball factory in Northern Japan. As the story goes, shortly after initializing 'Nick', creator and disgraced wartime waiter Constantine Chong delivered a short , but poignant lecture on the importance of food safety before patting his aluminum son on the back and leaping atop his stolen tractor, never to be heard from again. The newly orphaned Nick then wandered off into the countryside, dispensing sanitation statistics and impromptu dance lessons in equal quantities, quickly becoming a folk hero to the people of the area. He was a particular favorite of the dairy farmers thanks to his fabled ability to tempt even the most recalcitrant of cows to give milk with his velvety metal grasp. "The Leggy Legume", as his people knew him, was soon widely considered a shoe-in for the newly-vacated position of General Mills. But it was not to be. Alas, Nick's fall from power was abrupt as his ascent. After six years in and out of barely-legal dairy processing facilities, the curd vapors had already begun their deadly work. The living legend was swiftly losing supercilial mobility and seeing only in shades of aquamarine. Despite numerous calls from within the cereal community for Nick to hang up his tap shoes, he refused. At last, one fatal Monday out on a routine spork inspection, our hero discovered his inability to wink. And with that, Nicholas dropped to knees and shed no fewer than six genuine saline tears, with nary a drop of hot sauce in sight.