The 2016 Active Judgeship

Judge Corn

Pop pop.

Andrew Jaffe

As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be an Andrew Jaffe. To me, being an Andrew Jaffe was better than being President of the United States. Even before I first wandered into the pigeon coop for an afterschool job I knew I wanted to be a part of them. It was there that I knew that I belonged. To me, it meant being Andrew Jaffe in the neighborhood that was full of people who weren't Andrew Jaffe. They weren't like anybody who wasn't Andrew Jaffe. I mean, they did whatever they wanted. They ate plain lettuce out of the bag and nobody ever gave them a ticket. In the summer when they wore miniature hands on their fingers all night, nobody ever called the cops. Andrew Jaffe. Andrew ran the pigeon coop on top of BJ and a few other places for his brother Andrew who was the boss over everybody in the neighborhood. Andy might have moved slow, but it was only because he didn't have to move for anybody. I was the luckiest Andrew Jaffe in the world. I could go anywhere. I could do anything. I knew everybody, and everybody knew I was Andrew Jaffe.

Julianna St. Onge

Blue pill or Red pill? Julianna St. Onge snatched both from the palms of Morpheus and boy is she on a fucking ride! Reality has semi-disintegrated and she wakes up in a liquid-filled pod, kinda remembering what happened, but mostly having a hankering for White Castle. As most of these stories go, she needs a pretty swag ride - so she has to "borrow" Uncle Morpheus' hovercraft, the Nebuchadnezzar. Since the pills gave her a wicked understanding of the true nature, Julianna found that she can bend physical laws and is really really good at virtual combat - leading her to believe that she is "The One".

Along the way to White Castle Julianna stops by the apartment of her friend, The Oracle, for some much needed prophecies. While there, she re-ups on some blues and reds and finds out the spoon of the truth (truth of the spoon?- idk) and she bends that shit WITH HER MIND!

Just as she is ready to continue her journey to White Castle, she realizes that she and Uncle Morph were sold out to Agent Smith. Julianna saves Uncle Morph, and in doing so gains the power of self-confidence needed to fight off the Agents and to get the Nebuchadnezzarís electromagnetic pulse weapon to disable the attacking sentinels who are taking too long to decide on their order in the White Castle drive-thru line. She grabs her White Castle order and flies off into the sky.

Udayan Vaidya

CHICAGO - In a press conference this morning at The University of Chicago, emeritus professor of myrmecology Dr. Leona Q. Haullies announced the discovery of a new species of ant from a recent scientific survey in the southwestern United States. Udayan vaidya, or the Sagacious Mesquite Ant, was discovered in the subsoils of Collin County, Texas after local residents began to notice the mysterious five-meter-diameter boreholes in their gardens. According to Dr. Haullies, "Udayan vaidya is three centimeters long, has nine legs and an extremely pronounced left antenna, and can live for up to eighty five years. Ant years, that is. Their diet consists of pawpaw fruit and aspartame, and as far as we can tell, they have no natural predators, but they are easily frightened by loud noises and number two pencils. They are very social creatures - we have witnessed what appears to be bridge and pinochle games between warring communities. When in heat, Udayan vaidya will secrete a chemical we have named udayanol, smelling of tartar sauce and lavender, which acts as a strong aphrodisiac. Their homes are built out of playing cards, which is rather unfortunate, as even the tiniest of gales can knock down their habitats. All in all, this may be the most important myrmecological finding of the century." A mounted specimen of Udayan vaidya will be on display at the Field Museum of Natural History starting this May.

Kate Mooney

The time has come,
The time is now.
Just judge, judge judge!
I don't care how.

You can go by foot.
You can go by cow.
Judge Kate E. Mooney,
will you please judge now!

You can judge on skates,
you can judge on skis.
You can judge in a hat.
But please, judge please!

I don't care.
You can judge by bike.
You can judge on a Zike-Bike
if you like.

If you like, you can judge,
in an old blue shoe,
Just judge, judge, judge!
Please do, do, do!

Judge Kate E. Mooney,
I don't care how.
Judge Kate E. Mooney,
will you please judge now?

You can Judge on stilts,
You can judge by fish.
You can judge in a Crunk-Car
if you wish.

If you wish you may judge
by lion's tail
Or stamp yourself
and judge by mail.

Judge Kate E. Mooney!
Don't you know
the time has come,

Scav on your way!
Please, Judge Kate E.
You might like judging
in a Zumble-Zee!

You can judge by balloon…or broomstick.
OR you can judge by camel in a bureau drawer.
You can go by bumble boat…or jet…
I don't care how you judge, just at it GET!

Get yourself a Ga-Zoom.
You can judge with a…BOOM!
Judge Kate, Judge Kate, Judge Kate,
Will you judge this room?!

Judge Kate E. Mooney, I don't care HOW!
Judge Kate E. Mooney, will you please JUDGE NOW!

I said judge and judge I meant,
Judgment had come.
SO…Judge Kate went!

Reed Mershon

I have never known reed to be anything other than kind, courteous, and an absolute joy to work with. I will always remember him, even when we part ways in the upcoming months. For all future employers reed'ing this in the future, please note that this man knows his stuff and will do what it takes to make the world a better place.

Tahoe Schrader

Meet Judge Tahoe. Judge Tahoe is just happy to be here. Judge Tahoe is a MODIFIED STARCH DERIVATIVE. Judge Tahoe contains multitudes; Jude Tahoe would prefer not to. You think Judge Tahoe reminds you of Darkwing Duck, but it is a TRICK - what you are really thinking of is a Blue-Eyes White Dragon Yu-Gi-Oh deck. Judge Tahoe gently reminds you that LIFE AS WE KNOW IT is a Time-Sensitive Item.

HOW do you solve a problem like Judge Tahoe? Judge Tahoe MAY have been a Nor'reaster in a past life. Judge Tahoe, is, no, yee, yeah, fine, okie. Judge Tahoe read your gmail drafts and thinks you're GROSS. Judge Tahoe is both green AND sticky. Judge Tahoe is a meat popsicle. We tell you Judge Tahoe is wicked and you believe us. Judge Tahoe is FINALLY trending. Judge Tahoe's favorite candle scent is LINE-DRIED COTTON. Pay attention to Judge Tahoe's knees. PLEASE pay attention!

Molly Blondell

Wherever I am, there's always Molly, there's always Molly and me. Molly Blondell completes me. She is the eye to my storm, the coconut to my palm tree, the pine nut and artichoke hummus to my red velvet Oreos. With the face of an angel, the hair of a puppy, and eyes like the color of each other. Don't even get me started on her fingers. Don't do it! Don't!

Molly Blondell walks in beauty. Molly belongs on the cover of every magazine, the credits to every movie, the about the author to every book. If you learn one thing in life, learn about Molly Blondell. If there is only one rule, that rule is Molly Blondell. If Molly Blondell makes you an offer, it will be an offer you can't refuse. Molly Blondell had me at hello.

By heaven I think our fusion as rare as any she belied with false compare. We are one in a way that cannot be explained, it can only be experienced. Together, we are Mol(l)ly. Molly was my o-aide.

Walker King

Lindsey Simon

Lindsey Julia Simon (born October 3, 1949) is an American musician, singer, songwriter, and producer, best known as lead guitarist and one of the vocalists of the musical group Fleetwood Mac from 1975 to 1987, and then 1997 to the present day. Aside from her tenure with Fleetwood Mac, Simon has also released six solo albums and three live albums. As a member of Fleetwood Mac, she was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1998. In 2011, Simon was ranked 100th in Rolling Stone Magazine's 2011 list of "The 100 Greatest Guitarists of All Time".[1] Buckingham is known for her fingerpicking guitar style.

Fleetwood Mac, the band that gave Simon her greatest exposure, had been around since the late 1960s, best known as a British blues outfit as led by Peter Green. After Green left the group, they experienced several tumultuous years, without a stable frontman. Along with her then-girlfriend Stevie Nicks, Simon was invited to join Fleetwood Mac in 1975; the pair were recording in the same studio, and Fleetwood Mac had been without a guitarist or lead vocal at the time. Simon and Nicks became the face of the group during their most commercially successful period, highlighted by the multi-platinum Rumours album, which would sell over 40 million copies worldwide. Though highly successful, the line-up experienced almost constant creative and personal conflict, and Simon left the band in 1987 to pursue a solo career.

A one-off reunion at the 1993 inauguration ball for President Bill Clinton would initiate some rapprochement between the former band members, with Simon performing some vocals on one track of their 1995 album Time, and rejoining the band full time in 1997 for the live tour and album The Dance. Simon has remained in the band ever since.

Andy Jordan

Once a great man said the words, "two scoops." And with his two hands he took the two scoops into them and it was not too much, for there is never too much ice cream, and he ate, and the one that was two was consumed until it was gone. With his two steely eyes he may look onto you, and say the words "no points." That cherubic smile! Those beguiling lips! You would never have known one so sweet from the eating of two full scoops to be capable of such destruction. Perhaps, dear Scavvie, if you find yourself lucky, the words "two points" shall issue from his enchanting visage and lo! The memory of two scoops shall fall pitter pat atop you both, and the two points may blossom into the most beautiful full-pointed flower thing. Metaphors! Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you Andy Jordan, the man for whom one scoop was not enough.

Seth Berlin

Seth Berlin Navy: Seth Berlin's fanbase. A group of strong, loyal people who all love Seth Berlin and have been inspired by him. The group comprises hardcore Seth Berlin fans who has been stanning for him since 2005. Contrary to reports the name was NOT created after Seth Berlin starred in the "Battleship" movie but after his dissertation, which includes the following section heading: "We're a army, better yet a navy, better yet crazy"

When Seth Berlin released "The Text as Experience: A Deweyan Approach to the History of Political Thought" he was facing a lot of backlash from "fake fans" who didn't like the sound of his new, darker academic prose. His biggest supporters decided to "fight back." Gathered together on Seth Berlin Daily Fan Forum we were planning strategies how to support Seth Berlin. At this time Justin Bieber fans had started to call themselves "Beliebers" and we thought that we too needed a name for the most hardcore Seth Berlin fans.

One of the forum members, Lisa, suggested that the forum members should be called "Seth Berlin Navy." And so it began. The term brought us together and made us even stronger.


Paul Davis

More like French Toast than Pancakes. More like Guitar Hero than French Toast. More like a Sliver of Hope than Guitar Hero. More like the ideal of Justice than a Sliver of Hope. More like Starscream-the best Decepticon-than the ideal of Justice. More like Brownian Motion than Starscream, the best Decepticon. (Marginally) more like Brownian Motion than the Brown Note. More like that-one-creepy-uncle than Brownian Motion. More like the Occult than that-one-creepy-uncle. More like Professor Oak than the Occult. More like Gary than Professor Oak. More like a maniacal octopus than Gary. More like a genetically modified maniacal octopus than a maniacal octopus. More like French Toast than a genetically modified maniacal octopus.

Patrick Augustine

ScavXXX Tricky is coming straight at you with insane, sick UBER tricks, surreal mind-blowing events, and a cast of funky-fresh items. Blast down Scav at all-out speeds and suck up the biggest adrenaline you've ever inhaled. All your favorite Scav events are tweaked for more speed, more elevation, and more insane thrills, plus two wild new events that will blow your mind. Hit mother's day harder with ScavXXX Tricky. The sky is your stage.

and Lily Zhao as "Scavenczar"

As you wander the savannah, the sun begins to grow unbearably hot. Naturally, you climb a tree to escape the overbearing blanket of the sun for a few minutes. You relax into the cool embrace of the branches' shade. Tired. So very tired. "I'll nap for just a minute", you think to yourself. Your eyes close, and you drift off… until a rustling of leaves in the canopy alerts you to an intruder upon your slumber.

A single glace at the unfamiliar face tells you a few key things. Dark eyes mark a keen intelligence behind a weary warrior's exterior. Rugged ossicones indicate the creature's authority, concrete evidence of many a vicious sparring match proven victorious. Even though the upright bearing of its neck nearly defies the laws of physics, there's a certain grace to the way it holds itself.

This creature is the target of your endless wandering. Staring back at your arboreal perch from a stately 15 feet, a Head Judge, ruler of its realm, peers into your stunned face. This is… Lily Zhao.

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