We've narrowed down what the five group's grievances are, and who their five ringleaders are. One group is furious about Amazon.com's new tax strategy. Another state is home to a powerful group of birthers who insist that Rahm Emmanuel was born by C-section and won't stand with a nation that allows such unconstitutional nonsense. Another worries that new-age foodies from Chicago and the coasts will force them them to let go of their proud traditions of corn, cattle and soy and begin planting terrorist food: things like quinoa and organic vegetables. Another group just wants to form a country whose national language is their own, mandating a "sorry" ever few sentences and boasting North America's longest vowels. Lastly, one pragmatic group wants to market their rust-belt towns as third-world slums for adventure tourists; but poverty tourism just isn't exotic enough if there isn't an international border involved. The five people who we know to be behind these groups are Julian Assange, Nathan Fillion, Jane Goodall, O. J. Simpson and R. L. Stine. Remember: Though every one of our neighbors has its gripe and has its band of rabble rousers, only one of them is a real threat.
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