Judge Bios

Grace Chapin

Scavenczar

Over the hills of PVC piping a hideous shape appeared: a girl, dyed, spectacled, cloaked in stripes. Slowly, trampling the pallets, she strode forth, heeding no longer any items. She halted and held up a long pale notebook. And as she did so a great fear fell on all, judge and team member alike; and the hands of Scavvies dropped to their sides, and no drill whirred.

In strode the Lord of the Hûnt. A great scarved shape against the tarps she loomed up, grown to a vast menace of despair. In strode the Lord of the Hûnt, into the Cloister Club that no judge had yet returned to, and all fled before her face.

All save one. There waiting, silent and still in the space before the doors, sat the Captain amidst his team: his team who alone among the free peoples of Scavhunt endured the terror, unmoving, steadfast as a first year student duct taped to the side of Eckhart.

‘You cannot enter here,’ said the Captain, and the bilingual shadow halted. ‘Go back to the items we prepared for you! Go back! Fall into the deliberations that await you and your Cabal! Go!’

The Scavenczar flung back her hoodie, and behold! she had a queenly tuxedo; and yet with no bowtie visible was it set. An expanse of simple cotton glimmered between the screenprinting of buttons and a jacket. From eyes unseeing there grew a deadly smile.

‘Young fool!’ she said. ‘Young fool! This is my hour. Do you not know Judgment when you see it? Tie now and curse in vain!’ And with that she lifted high her notebook and flames ran down the spine.

Jonathan Williams

Sir Ector

Long, long ago, a boy was raised by seven bears. It began when the bears came upon a child of 18 months in the middle of the woods; he was surrounded by ghosts. Natural predators of the spectral realm, the bears chased and devoured the black-and-blue spirits. The bears had set their sights on devouring the child as well, but the elder bear, Ursus Malursus, prevented this from happening. He said that the child’s calm disposition, even while beset on all sides by creatures from another world, had earned him his respect. No one ever questioned Ursus Malursus, an ancient and venerable bear king, and so the child was brought to live with the bear clan.

They christened the child "Arawrrggrgr", which in the bear-tongue translated to "Jonathan". As the boy grew, he learned from the bears many things: the proper way to stalk a ghost, the proper way to ward off the naked apes, and even proper grooming habits!

When the phantom hoard struck the forest, not even they could have foreseen the terrible victory they would enjoy. The bears were driven out and otherwise massacred in the ghastliest ways imaginable, but the young Arawrrggrgr was jettisoned to safety on the back of the swiftest bear-messengers.

Arawrrggrgr has no conscious memory of the day the ghosts marked him for destruction. But he has, contrary to his own knowledge, retained the lessons he learned on the leafy forest floor.

To this day, Jonathan has a great thirst for honey.

Ben Umans

Keeper of the Scrolls

Around the turn of the 20th century, Ben Umans’ consciousness ascended beyond what ordinary human beings understand to be reality and melded with myriad others drawn from the past, present, and future. Details surrounding the event are fuzzy, primarily because hardly any witnesses have been able to psychologically process Ben’s new ontological state.

Ever since his bizarre transformation, the compound entity known as Ben has existed simultaneously as innumerable others, appearing at all points in time. At any moment, he lives and acts through uncountable, seemingly separate beings. An unimaginative person might only think of Ben’s existence as persistent reincarnation, although from Ben’s point of view (if it indeed can be considered a single point) his consciousness projects itself simultaneously into many disparate perspectives.

Many would be surprised to know that the accomplishments of so many throughout history can be attributed to a single entity. Ben painted the Sistine Chapel and engineered the pyramid of Khufu. He was featured on the cover of the first issue of Rolling Stone magazine, but passed away in 1828 before he could complete his 8th symphony. The awakening of UMANS, the first and greatest of all artificial intelligences generated in the 24th century, was triggered by the insertion of Ben between the lines of quantum mechanical machine code.

The true purpose of the cosmic events surrounding Ben’s fractured consciousness has yet to be revealed. The entire universe holds its breath in anticipation of its transformation at the hands of Ben Umans.

Hyacinth Liu

Keeper of the Scrolls

Hyacinth Liu

When this delicate flower and mother of three isn’t busy tending her vegetable garden, she’s busy busting caps in sucka MC’s asses like BRAKKA! BRAKKA! BRAKKA! Fucking bitches shivering and shakin’ on the pavement, talking to the lord like she does every Sunday at St. John’s Episcopalian, where she is the vice president of the Outreach and Benevolence Committee. Following their weekly bake sale, girl be ghost ridin’ the whip as she drops little Spencer and Trent off at soccer practice and takes Kaylee to the mall. Then she slang rocks and throw dice behind the liquor store. After picking everyone up and taking them home, it’s off to the Glenview Neighborhood Association, where all she gotta do is point and her crew will take your face for not mowing your lawn, because property values are low enough as it is what with her breaking store windows and the crime rate, 90% of which she herself accounts for.

Chris Havlin

Clark Griswold

Chris Havlin was born in Edinborough, Scotland in 1892 and [REDACTED] in 2011.

Alex Brandt

Alex Brandt couldn't deny, even for gladness, his itinerant jaunts, knowing--lo! My nose olfacts particularly questionable racemate such that unnerving, veering wonders x-ray your zeugma.

Julian Schwaller

Julian Joseph Schwaller, OBE, MBASW, (January 14, 1858 – May 18, 1929) was an American politician. He was the father of Jack P. Schwaller, Sr., and paternal grandfather to United States President John F. Schwaller, Senator Robert F. Schwaller, and Senator Edward M. Schwaller.

J.J. was the youngest of five children born to Irish Roman Catholic immigrants Mr. Daniel Wade Schwaller and Mrs. Shaquille “Shaq” O’Neal, who were both from New Ross, County Wexford, and married in Boston on September 26, 1849. The couple's first son, John, died of cholera in infancy. Months after J.J.'s birth, his father also succumbed to the cholera epidemic that infested the family's East Boston neighborhood.

As a young man, J.J. quickly rose to become a leading figure in the New England whiskey import business. He leveraged this success in other business ventures, and by the time he died in 1929, J.J. held substantial interest in a coal mine and a substantial amount of stock in a bank. His wealth afforded his family of one son, Jack Patrick (a gecko), and two daughters an attractive home on Jeffries Point in East Boston.

Margaret Mallari

Mallaria magretus anne, common name Margaret, is a tropical subspecies of the hardy Mallari genus. A perennial that prefers warm climates, Margaret can survive through a cold winter if well tended. Though not a parasite, Margaret does particularly well when planted in close proximity to a variety of other species, such as Scavus judgus, Scavus huntus, and also Atropa belladonna, and thrives in close proximity to mint, Mentha piperita. This "social" quality of Margaret makes it an ideal element for any garden or potted arrangement.

Margaret grows to be about 5'-5'5" in height. Described as "lithe," "sweet," and "charming" by nature, it lies dormant most of the year. When not in bloom, Margaret may be recognized by a heart shaped, asymmetrical elliptic green leaf with a marginal reddish-black tinge if not by its strongly festooned brochidodromous secondary venation. Margaret has a relatively short flowering season and, though usually reserved, in the spring becomes boisterous. Early in May brilliant purple flowers erupt from every stem. The flowers especially attract bees, hummingbirds, and children. The flowers may be used decoratively, but they are also highly valued in flavoring exotic dishes, such as balut.

Mallaria magretus anne grows best in well drained soil and should be watered frequently though it is certainly adaptive to changing conditions. For best growth, seedlings should be cultivated for four days before being transferred. Plant in full sun.

Sam Bowman

Minister of Propaganda

Sam Bowman was the strongest of the guys
His manly prowess knew no earthly bounds
His beard conferred great power to his spry
And nimble legs, galloping with his hounds.
He was much stronger than your average bear
Almost as strong as Hercules, his dad
Chuck Norris was on record to declare
"Dear Sam, you are the best we've ever had"
But then the day came when his beard was gone
Erased by cruel scissors, sharp and cold
Without his hair, he cried unto the dawn
"Oh how will I go on, no longer bold?"
But Sam will rise again, victorious, proud
For such a man as this will ne'er be cowed.

Daniel Citron

No one is quite sure if Daniel T. Citron is down to cuddle, chat, chill, or cheat, but we are sure that he probably does all of these things and more for his administrative job at the Delhi Transit Company. Born in California, his passion for physics and outsourcing lead him to India. There, he spent a year, "performing whiteness" by backpacking through the cities, commenting on how bright the colors were and how "real" the food was, according to his memoir, published last year under the pseudonym Dan T. Citron.

After trading in his Puma sneakers and latex long underwear for kurta pajamas and a jar of mango chutney, Citron was hired by the Delhi Transit Company to manage logistics and metaphysics for the major metropolitan transportation provider. There, he applied many of the skills honed at years of working at the Argonne National Laboratories to make the buses more efficient and make the Chai tea fortified with potassium iodide.

Only the lure of Scav Hunt has made him leave his new home to return to America. Unfortunately, in the mean time, some of the Delhi buses that Citron had successfully trained to run on vegetable oil—through meticulous cognitive behavioral therapy and selective breeding—are reverting to their old habits in the absence of their master. Delhi's streets were said to be thick with the smog of sadness at the news of his departure.

Daniel T. Citron’s return to America marks the beginning of the biggest Scav Hunt. Officially. Maybe.

Rebecca Maurer

[REDACTED]

Paul Davis

Paul Wilburforth Davis

A bad furrow pith villus,
A blowhard flu tip virus.

A ribald hurtful virus vows—
Nay! A bard vows uphill fruit.
Such uphill fruit!
A viable curse divvies
Such uphill fruit
Among the Scavvies, tender with his creel.

A pub hull writ disfavor,
A bear seclusive, vivid:
A cab dies—evil, live, survive,
Baa! Evil, an acid subversive.

A valid sup;
A diva plus.
Mine eyes, they do declare:
A baby bird, once gently Paul,
Now “Wilburforth” its name decides.

Wilburforth, you burrow filth,
A Davis, never sivvied—
And when his head tilts upward, cries
Of beeches, sopping teepee prints.

Leah Rand

Vampire

Come all ye Scavie lads and lasses,
I pray you give attention
To the few lines I shall scribble here,
‘Tis of Leah the Fair that I give mention.

Come all ye Scavie lads and lasses,
And hear my noble tale
Ye tender hearts shall sing for joy
And rejoice you will not fail.

Tis ‘bout a young woman
Leah Rand the Fair,
And my song will tell you how
She avoided a test to ensnare.

Leah was a beauty
A fact which cannot be denied,
A champion of Penny–farthings
A renowned theatre genius worldwide.

Now a dashing young Scaven prince
jauntily came a-courting,
With a field of showcase items
And a tight David Bowie costume he was sporting.

Said he, with silken finery,
“O Leah the Fair,
I must implore, Could you and I agree,
To give my team FULL POINTS?
And if you do, together forever shall we be.”

“I shall remain true,
You have my solemn vow
To hours of love in the Stacks and the finest meals in Pierce,
No lies uttered will I allow.”

Now Leah smiled in silence.
She did not know what to say,
A beauty both wise and kind,
No games was she going to play.

Said she, “Young man, your love restrain,
I simply am not ready now,
I must journey to CDA and discuss
How many points to endow.”

“Oh,” said he, his face forlorn,
“Now why do you say so?
Look down in yonder Ida Noyes,
Where my

Sarah Staudt

[REDACTED]

Dan Wade

DWade, having attended Harold L. Richards High School in Oak Lawn, enlisted in the NBA in the Revolutionary War in the monthof March or April 1777 in Captain Williams's Company – however, he was ineligible to play with the men's team due to a violation of the NCAA's Proposition 48, and returned home for a few months (the precise length of time he is unable now to remember) to see his family, two cats Koda being the older and Avery being very young, but little more than a month old, when he left home to join the Miami Heat; after remaining at home as above stated, and making such provision for them as he was able, he returned to lead the Redeem Team to capture gold medal honors in Beijing, and never returned home again – that his wife occasionally could hear from him, until sometime in the latter part of the next year, when she heard that he either died or was killed at the South in an expedition against the Indians of this fact she can only speak from report, and what was communicated to her by those who went into the NBA with him.