Section 1. The name of this organization shall be The Official University of Chicago Official Scavenger Hunt Organization Committee, also to be known as The Great Hunt, The Scavenger Hunt, ScavHunt, Scav Hunt, the Hunt, That Thing That Left All Those Cans in the Maroon Office, ScavCore, The Fucking Scavenger Hunt, The Scavenger Fucking Hunt, The Fuckinger Hunt, Jar Jar Binks, ScavCom, Scav Com, ScavComm, Scav Comm, Scavcabal, the Cabal, Cable from X-Factor, Solipsistic Bastards, Ratanna, ScandalCom, El Sindicato, or Ethel.
Section 1. The Scavenger Hunt exists as a group of individuals who subscribe to the philosophy that true enlightenment can only be attained through freedom, and further, that true freedom can only be realized through utter chaos. The Scavenger Hunt feels that probably most of the students in the University lack the emotional maturity to experience this total freedom and that the University lacks the financial resources to keep rebuilding itself after students reveling in this freedom become too “self-expressive.” To this end, the Scavenger Hunt seeks to gradually shepherd the University into the new age of enlightenment by establishing futuristic microcosms every spring in Ida Noyes Hall, wherein student teams compete to acquire the highest number of points based on objects listed by the Hunt Committee, each object having been attributed a certain numerical value due to its relative spiritual importance (Commandments governing said acquisition given to the seekers of these karmacharged objects, so that they shall not bring pain shame, or imprisonment upon themselves or the University). These “microcosms” essentially amount to pocket universes of chaos, which are, historically speaking, well attended, and well-appreciated by all in attendance.
Section 1. The Scavenger Hunt Committee consists of one type of membership: Hot Side Hot. Hot Side Hot oversees the (un)holy and mysterious affairs of the Scavenger Hunt and is given an omniscient overview of Things Mere Mortals Were Never Meant To Know (such as the Compilation Of Sacred Items To Be Acquired, and The Great Roadtrip Pilgrimage). Anyone may petition for membership, and, The Scavenger Hunt being a theocracy rather than a democracy, non-University affiliated Judges will enjoy much the same privileges as anyone else.
Section 2. As stated, anyone may petition for Scavenger Hunt membership. The petition process involves the submission of a preliminary Compilation which will be reviewed by the sitting Pantheon. A Compilation unanimously agreed to be Platonically “good.” will earn the petitioner an audience with members of the Hot Side Hot whom she does not already have the pleasure of acquaintance, wherein the Hot Side Hot will ascertain whether the petitioner has any flaws, such as modesty or sensitivity, that would make her unfit for joining the Hot Side Hot. Finally, decisions will be made taking into account the petitioner’s previous experience with The Great Hunt and with the University—. Barring a poor Compilation, Audience, or Record, the petitioner then joins the Hot Side Hot with all privileges resulting, effective immediately. In the other case, the petitioner is thanked, and invited to pursue ultimate enlightenment, by competing in The Great Hunt. All petitioners must have a GPA of at least 0.5, or the money to bribe their way around said restriction (at the advice of our legal team, this is a joke). Additionally, they must be currently metabolically viable, and while mania is not required, it certainly is encouraged. It is important to distinguish these requirements from those of Scavenger Hunt Competitors, for whom there are no requirements (except for Booth students, who must swear undying fealty to the quest to regain The Romper Room).
Section 3. No Judge is allowed to be named “Mike ‘Scavvy’ Hunt.” This in no way however, disallows a Judge from being named “Sam ‘Scavvy’ Hunt.”
Sections 1&3. There are six main offices in the Scavenger Hunt Pantheon. The Scavenczar (also colloquially known as Head Judge) is the general overseer, grand marshal, and chief judge in charge of Absolutely Everything. The Scavenczar is also responsible for acquiring funds from the The Center for Leadership and Involvement (formerly and from henceforth referred to as ORCSA) and SGFC (collectively, “Those Who Control The Cosmic Purse Strings”), and for making sure that the lucre never stops flowing. The Minister of Propaganda is responsible for burnishing the public image of the Scavenger Hunt and attending to various public enquiries. The Clark Griswold is the dark god of the Pantheon. The responsibility of this office is to select the torturous route for the Roadtrip Pilgrimage in order to ensure maximum spiritual cleansing. Sir Ector is responsible for collecting and archiving the various documents, photos, and other records produced during each ScavHunt for the purposes of amusement and inevitable litigation that is always bound to follow. Cyber Horsegirl rides off into the sunset, corralling ones and zeroes along the way. Lastly, there is The Keeper of the Scrolls, whose job it is to order and track the items on the Compilation. The Keeper is also charged with hurling lightning bolts to destroy any non-Hot Side Hot who would profane the sacred Compilation with their unworthy eyes.
Section 4. Officers will be chosen Communist Party style, with the outgoing officer solely responsible for choosing a successor, except in cases where the Scavenczar deems it necessary to appoint the officer unilaterally. The titles are bestowed by the past holder upon a candidate who is then confirmed by the group. Power will be transferred at the beginning of the academic year, by the ritual phrases “Doyouwannadoit?” and “Yeahsure,” and although there will be no official announcement save a Spartan communiqué to the faculty advisor, everyone, everywhere will somehow just know what has transpired.
Section 5. A Judge may quit, at which point they are no longer a Judge. In the unlikely event of a motion for Judge removal, a Judge may be removed from the Judgeship by a unanimous vote of their peers. Any Judge may motion for such a vote by contacting the Head Judge.
Section 6. Additional offices and titles can be designated each year. However, the position of Prophet Elijah must always remain vacant.
Section 1. Regular meetings of this organization shall be held at irregular but increasingly frequent intervals throughout the year, amounting to about twice a week in the heaviest times. More frequent meetings may be necessary, including within committees, and their announcement should be met with appropriate whining. Times and places are organized by the Scavenczar and based upon the availability and convenience of the Hot Side Hot. It is generally a good idea to have a meeting prior to the beginning of the snowy quarter with potential Hot Side Hot members. At winter’s start, the Scavenczar should have a meeting wherein the Hot Side Hot and their lists will be presented.
Section 2. Special meetings are the normal practice of the Scavenger Hunt, and may be called by anyone (usually the Scavenczar) at any time. Members shall be given .25 days’ notice of such meetings.
Section 3.The majority of the present members is a quorum, life essentially being a thing defined by opportunity and timing. Should they not be present, the Scavenczar is required to be notified of decisions made at a meeting, but members need not restrict their remarks to happenings at the meetings, and are encouraged to make disparaging remarks about the Scavenczar’s work ethic, and, when appropriate, hygienic practices.
Section 4. Meetings will also occur virtually with the use of the Scav Hunt mailing list. Only Hot Side Hot are allowed to subscribe, though Hot Side Hot emeriti (such as T-Meredi) may remain on the list. This tool is useful for spreading information about meetings or items. It is not to be used to distribute either chain letters, jokes, or pornography.
Section 5. Since we’re so charming and funny, minutes of the “Full Disclosure” era of the ScavHunt—that is, now—are subject to disclosure upon request. Brainstorms about items will not, though. It is the job of the Minister of Propaganda, or other designated Judge, to concoct apparently authentic documents to this effect. This disclosure should also keep whiny members of SG quiet, as they see our inner workings and realise that, just as no one really wants to see how SG operates, everyone should want to see how the ScavHunt operates.
Section 6. The Head Judge shall, at all meetings, poll the Judges present to determine the feasibility of an order from Cholie’s Pizza. This order must include, in part or in whole, a pizza with pineapple.
Section 7. No meeting bearing the name of ScavHunt shall ever be concluded while beer remains on the table.
Section 1. Election of officers shall be held at the terminus of each Scavenger Hunt active year, should some kind of catastrophic event or mass abdication of all standing Scavenger Hunt officers render such an election necessary.
Section 2. Public ballots of all standing Hot Side Hot will be considered. Those from currently registered UChicago students will be considered valid. Others we will just consider.
Section 3. The Hot Side Hot being a compact and often meeting group, word will eventually be given to all of them. Hot Side Hot unavailable to participate in Judgment Day at Ida Noyes Hall are not eligible for nomination to be the standing officers.
Section 4. No Judge is ever permitted to nominate him or herself for anything.
Section 1. Our organization will have one or more liaison with the University community. Our advisor, upon the devastating losses of Edward “The Turk” Turkington, the former Dean of Student Services, of Stacey Ergang, whose whereabouts are unknown, and of Jen “JenKen” Kennedy, is James “Jimmy” Brown. We feel that Jimmy Brown is an appropriate choice because we both want the students to have a maximal amount of fun with a bare minimum of damage to living things. The Scavenger Hunt has also enjoyed its dealings with Charles Farrell in the past, but is unaware of his disposition as to becoming the second faculty/staff liaison. If the Scavenger Hunt ever has Dr. Isaac Abella as a faculty advisor, the world will soon end, and, in all probability, hell has already frozen over.
Section 2. Should finding a new advisor be necessary, Fundamentals faculty should be strongly considered in order to give them something useful to do.
Section 3. Appointments will be mentioned in an offhand sort of way at meetings so as not to alarm anyone.
Section 1 The Scavenger Hunt has three standing committees: Pilgrimage, Judging, and Pointing. Pilgrimage organizes and plans the Road Trip, including embarking on an exploratory mission along the proposed route. The Pilgrimage Committee is chaired by the Clark Griswold. The Scavenczar also solely manages the Judging Committee, which amends the text of Article XI to fit as a mold that should shape the practices of Scavenger Hunt personnel on Judgment Day. The Pointing Committee is staffed by the Scavenczar, the standing Keeper of the Scrolls, and any other members of the Organization Committee that the Scavenczar deems appropriate. This Committee is charged with assigning point values to all items on the list and throwing the dart again, should it not stick. Should it be determined over the course of the Hunt that the Pointing Committee did it wrong, a majority of the members of the committee must be consulted about all changes, then consulted again should it be determined that no, the Committee did it right the first time. Article XI, Section 4, is controlling in these consultations.
Section 2. The previous section is far too confusing, and should therefore be declared null and void as needed.
Section 3. Appointments to the committees are on a voluntary basis, provided that each deity sits on not less than two and not more than three committees. The two integers in that previous sentence can be changed or ignored.
Section 4. Ad hoc committees may be formed at any time to serve needs identified by officers. In the past these have included Finance, Advertising, Public Relations, and Facilities, but history need not be a burdensome guide, the Old Ways generally being less romantic than their survivors remember. Still, a plenitude of committees is the spice of meeting-based life, and figurehead autonomy of marginally functional groups conforms to our atavistic adherence to libertarian virtues.
Section 5. The previous section is far too confusing, and should therefore be declared null and void as needed.
Section 6. The Hot Side Hot also informally form the informal Theme (Song) Committee, which picks a catchy pop song or track by Sonic Youth every year. For history (and laughter)’s sake, the list of these songs will be appended to the bylaws by the Cyber Horsegirl.
Section 1. Scavenger Hunt Hot Side Hot must pledge their immortal souls to the Hunt once per quarter.
Section 1. The Scavenger Hunt’s immense financial resources come from its budget negotiations with ORCSA Annual Allocations and the SGFC, and as such is deposited to the ORCSA account (after which, as a former Scavenczar once remarked, it is never seen again). Any funds hypothetically generated by the sale of trinkets or other inconsequentials will go to the Hot Side Hot War Chest, the disbursement of which shall be a matter for internal debate and rancor. The Scavenczar is authorized to withdraw funds and must initial all such withdrawal requests. During Periods of Famine (exempla gratis: 1999), the Scavenczar may be required to dip into their own gold-lined pockets or seek advertising whoremoney to cover costs. In the case of the former, the Hot Side Hot will feel Catholic guilt and give some of their own coin. In the case of the latter, we’ll all just feel dirty for becoming Californian in our ways and means.
Section 2. In the mind-boggling event that an alum should volunteer a “shitload” of cash for the purposes of funding The Great Hunt, the Annual Allocations budget proposal may be modified in accordance by the Minister of Propaganda or other designated Judge. However, the Scavenczar is responsible for ensuring the ultimate autonomy of the organization and especially the List. In return for their generous monies, donors may be annually provided with no more than the following returns: a schedule of public events, a non-judge t-shirt, dinner and a movie, a babysitter drawn from the Hot Side Hot ranks well-trained in the art of schmoozing, a personal letter, and a “thanks a lot, suckers,” message on the official website. Should the ScavHuntSugarDaddy be presently reading these bylaws, they should be aware that of course, we are only kidding.
Section 1. All judges during the period of the Hunt are to award points soberly, or at least fooling the Scavenczar with acts of sobriety.
Section 2. Partial credit saved all our asses in Physics class. It can, therefore, save teams, too. The Hot Side Hot can award partial credit even when it’s partially due.
Section 3. Special points, that is, points not indicated in the List of Lists, should be granted with extreme discretion and discipline and only in cases of earth-shattering creativity, personal sacrifice befitting a defender at Masada, and bribery or sycophantic toadying that would make even Waylon Smithers blush. Note, however, that “smoking” with the Hot Side Hot falls outside of these criteria. Note also, however, that nudity falls outside, too. Smoking nudity, however, may just about be a free ticket into the Pantheon, but unanimous assent on behalf of the Hot Side Hot must exist on the question of whether the nudity truly is smoking.
Section 4. As always, the Scavenczar’s word on points is final.
Section 5. Let n be a number for which all items with a larger point value are deemed “Showcase.” Let m be a number less than n for which all items with a larger point value are deemed “Scaled” items. Showcase items are all judged at once, by all of the Hot Side Hot at once, in a manner similar to judging at diving competitions. However, no member of the Hot Side Hot should feel the need to emulate that cranky French judge with a chip on her shoulder larger than her annual makeup bill. Should the above method prove to be unnecessary/daunting/incompatible/moronic/way over our heads, “Showcase” items may be denoted on the List of Lists with a † or other non-secular symbol.
Section 6. All other rules pertaining to the behaviour of the Hunt participants are covered in the Rules of the Hunt, a document changed every calendar year to accommodate the various ways in which kids broke the law from the previous year. The Keeper of the Scrolls must invent a new way of saying “do whatever it takes, but do it LEGALLY” every year.
Section 1. The Great Hunt begins on a Thursday. It ends with Judgment Day, which occurs on Mother’s Day (since our mothers are all judgmental) or on the following Sunday, whichever comes first. As a courtesy, the members of Hot Side Hot are encouraged to remind the Scavenczar to call their mother on Sunday in order to avoid any hindrances to their judgment. If the Powers That Be deem this date inappropriate for any reason, Hot Side Hot may change it at our discretion given we appropriately notify all participants of the Hunt past and future well in advance.
Section 2. The Great Hunt’s Great List is distributed at the beginning of the Hunt, hopefully containing a tasteful minimum of references to The Simpsons. It will then be revised several times, leading to massive confusion. In addition to the List of Items will be a list of ScavOlympic items, and, optionally, a schedule of events for The Great Hunt. The Scavenczar shall distribute the appropriate legal documents, absolving the ScandalCom of any and all scandals which will inevitably arise, before the commencement of the Hunt, to be collected from teams before the departure of their Road Trip Pilgrims.
Section 3. During the Hunt, special positions may be created. These usually involve the Road Trip Judge, who judges only items acquired during Pilgrimages (as opposed to the regular members of the Hot Side Hot, who each have their own special page); the ScavOl Judge, who organizes and oversees the ScavOlympics; the Special Pts. Judge, who works with the Scavenczar to determine the awarding of Special Points; and the Tally Judge, who oversees the honest entry of data into the Black Box of Scores.
Section 4. The Great Hunt is not a bachelor party. Unless it is, of course, Neal Israel’s 1984 masterpiece Bachelor Party.
Section 5. Certain taboos that must be observed with every Great List involve items which damage or harm living animals, imbibing of spirits or other potables, non-intellectual theft, and/or explicit nudity.
Section 6. The Organization Committee is committed to the principle that any member of the University community can find a fun and welcoming environment through the Scavenger Hunt, regardless of gender, gender identity, race, age, sexual orientation, religion, size, disability, status as a trauma survivor, national origin, or any other reasonable classification one could devise. The committee therefore resolves to write items pursuant to the spirit of the above. We also recognize that the burden to provide such an environment falls upon the teams competing in the Scavenger Hunt just as much as it does upon the Cabal. Taking this into account, the Committee, should they come to believe that teams competing in the hunt or their leadership have acted against the above stated principles in a systematic or consistent way, reserves the right to give out any whatever punishments that the Cabal decides are appropriate to remedy the offense. Address all relevant grievances to the Scavenczar. Address all irrelevant grievances to email@example.com, as often as you can.
Section 1. Bylaws may be revised by a quorum of the active Judgeship.
Section 2. All Scavenger Hunt members will be contacted by the Scavenczar the day after amendments are made.
Section 1. “Judgment” is always spelled with only two vowels.
Section 2. Daraka is a fucking idiot.
Section 3. One member of the Hot Side Hot must every year argue vehemently for the giving of a largest treasure to the second-place squadron, just to shake things up.
Section 4. The Hot Side Hot will not act in loco parentis. It will, however, gleefully act in flagrante delicto.
Section 5. We already terrorized David Foster Wallace once during the Hunt. There is only one reason to not continue doing so.
Section 6. Continental orthographic conventions are preferred to the conventions we have out here in the boonies.
Section 7. The Hot Side Hot abhors hazing and will not engage in it.
Section 8. These rules are valid only outside of nations known colloquially as “Ecuador.”
By way of a closing statement the Scavenczar asks that this Constitution be reviewed with an open mind. Much like the Scavenger Hunt itself, this document is designed for maximum irreverence, humor and awesome semi-religious mystery (but hey, two out of three ain’t bad). Should the Prime Overseer of RSOs (They Upon Whom All Depends) have questions concerning the true meaning of this document, Michael Campion invites them to call upon him at their earliest convenience so he can explain and amend this document with them. He can be reached at 643-5857.
We will also assert that this document holds the true meaning within its words. Authorial intent being a laughable fallacy and a crutch for knuckle-dragging critics, it will be dismissed. The truth is in there, to coin a phrase.
That said, should knuckle-dragging critics want to “analyze” this text, a list of current officers is appended below, to be changed every year by the Cyber Horsegirl.
Scavenczar: Emma Jean Simpson
Sir Ector: Jacob Leo Blitz
Clark Griswold: Out for their afternoon constitutional
Keeper of the Scrolls: Emma Jean Simpson
Cyber Horsegirl: Gabriela Claire Garcia
Ministers Of Propaganda: Sabrina Grace Sternberg, Brittney Lynn Dorton, Brandon LaCrosse
Vampire: Cole Washburn
Hot Side Hot:
David Aguilar Hall
Brittney Lynn Dorton
Gabriela Claire Garcia
Ryan Solomon Gold
Emma Jean Simpson
Joren David Husic
Artemie Li Chang
Sihyun Eren Ahn
Jacob Leo Blitz
Sabrina Grace Sternberg
Destiny DeAnn Reeves
Nell Williamson Shaffer
David Maxwell Klinger
Molly Elizabeth Blondell
Andrew William Jordan
Christian Farrell Kammerer
Prophet Elijah: (Vacant)
Ori Portland Brian
Michael Aaron Hochman
Reed Benjamin Mershon
Caroline Bright Wall
Daniel Tamor Liu Citron
Andrew William Jordan
Christian Farrell Kammerer
Joey Steven Valdez
Kirsten Anne Madsen
Walker Riley King
Catherine Zog Scharon
Paul Wilburforth Davis
Lindsey Julia Simon