The 2025 - 2026 Active Judgeship

I’ve seen things you scavvies wouldn’t believe. Garlic on the streets of Little Romania. I watched a dude shave his legs in the Garfield Red Line bathroom. All those moments will be lost in time, like piss in rain. Time to judeg.

This bio is coming soon.

A snake slithered through the underbrush. Its checkered gray and green scales slipped past the starved eyes scanning the motley ground. There was no hesitation in the snake’s coils; its pace never wavered. There was a mission to complete. A probing tongue sampled the air from time to time, provoking slight course adjustments. The trees thinned, and what was once scattered leaves became jutting stones. Unthered shadows leapt between the rocky spires, and the snake continued unfazed. Temptations presented themselves: rabbits begging to be eaten, a warren so perfect to nest in, and a flat boulder that was supernaturally warm, but the snake paid them no thought. There was a mission to complete. Many miles into this journey, the destination revealed itself. Cresting the top of a great mountain (for what is a hill but a looming summit to one so low to the ground?), the Snake paused for the first time, staring at the gilded metropolis that lay in the valley below. It shone so bright, if the snake knew of the earth’s deeper secrets, it would have called it golden. Even from the distance, the snake could see slithering siblings weaving through the streets. A beauty great enough that the unceasing pace of the snake slowed into a stop, beholding the Ophidian Shangri-La. This, of course, was a terrible mistake. A shriek slashed through the air, and a Hawk yanked the snake from the ground, dragging the poor reptile to the Empyrean Fields, before its abrupt descent to Heaven. That Hawk… Alex Arnell, this story… an allegory for what he is to do to you and your items. 🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅

(Mic check check, ay)
My name’s Judge Brandon and I’m here to say,
I like to judge Scav in a major way!
My judge nickname might be Corleone,
But I’m a really nice guy, I ain’t no phony!
If you get a chance to try some of my items,
Know I worked really hard and I hope you like ‘em!
But don’t get the wrong view about me today
Trust me, a player still knows how to play!
See, while some of my items might be about physics,
My real specialty is getting girls’ digits!
Everybody knows I’m super strong,
I’ll use muscle if folks don’t get along!
If you wanna stay safe and you’re not insane,
Don’t LaCrosse my friends or you’ll feel the pain!
After spitting these bars it’s plain to see,
Who needs the big three? It’s just big me!

David Hall once wrote in their [YEAR REDACTED] obituary: “I never was a fan of him. He dressed ugly and frankly I was very public with my distaste for his music. No one knew why though. Was I threatened by his aura, by his band? Was his drummer’s big hair simply too much for the Hallmeister? The truth is: we dated in high school. I know, I know. I, a guy east of the Mississippi, and him: whatever his name was. His band was also there. It got a little weird because they hadn’t met yet but I felt neutral about it, as I am with everything anyone has ever had an opinion on. My opinions aren’t opinions so much as they are experiences and the idea of having thoughts and feelings, which I’m not. Where was I? He started making music while I was stuck being a cog in the educational machine that I chose to be a part of. I couldn’t handle that. We had a breakup that left me only being able to listen to music with piercing vocals and also forcing me to turn the speaker up at my job to a volume no one is happy with, including myself. Then he becomes famous and starts singing about bicycles. I can’t ride a bicycle and he knows that. I pray on their downfall every day. I hope- wait what? Who? THAT’S his name? Well then who have I been talking about?”

Sources have confirmed David Hall did not have a relationship, but also did not publish an obituary. Their negativity and ego would lead them to the Appalachian Mountains after ignoring everyone’s directions on account of him “having the magnetic field of the world memorized”, where they walked into some mist and disappeared. He left behind a multiplication quiz with only 4 correct answers, [NUMBER REDACTED] Taco Bell fire sauces, and an iPod Touch with only Queen’s  “Don’t Stop Me Now” downloaded.

i love it when you call me big poppa

The Road Warriors, also known as the Legion of Doom, were a professional wrestling tag team originally composed of Road Warrior Hawk (Michael Hegstrand) and Road Warrior Animal (Joseph Laurinaitis). They performed under the name “The Road Warriors” in the American Wrestling Association (AWA), the National Wrestling Alliance (NWA), and World Championship Wrestling (WCW), and the name “Legion of Doom” (LOD) in the World Wrestling Federation (WWF). Under either name, their gimmick was the same – two imposing wrestlers in face paint. For brief periods, other wrestlers were added as stand-in partners for both men. In Japan in the 1990s, “Power Warrior” Kensuke Sasaki often teamed with Hawk and Animal, separately and together, while in WWE were joined by Droz in the 1990s and Heidenreich in the 2000s. The team also had three managers: Sunny in the 1990s, Christy Hemme in the 2000s, and Paul Ellering, the manager associated with the original team.

Hawk and Animal were known for their impressive physiques, as their physical size was larger than most wrestlers of the era. Their face paint and spiked armor were inspired by the Mad Max film The Road Warrior; they were one of the first wrestlers to bring a theme from a movie into the wrestling world. They also introduced a tandem maneuver known as the Doomsday Device. Both men used the move as a team finisher throughout their careers, even when teaming with other partners.

The duo headlined multiple events including Survivor Series in 1991 and In Your House 16: Canadian Stampede, and are regarded by many as the greatest tag team in professional wrestling history.