The 2024 - 2025 Active Judgeship

Alex Arnell

Pronouns: he/him

Cyber Horsegirl

Of all nonsensical things – I keep thinking about the judge! Not the list: the judge, and what he may be trying to do. I keep seeing him speaking items through his chained mouth. Nudging through the metal some desire absolutely irrelevant to graduating from the university. What desire could that be? Not to stay a meager student any longer? Not to remain reined up forever in that particular administrative red tape? Is it possible, at certain moments we cannot imagine, a judge can add his sufferings together – the non-stop jerks and jabs that are his daily life – and turn them into a list? What use is a list to a judge?

You see, I’m lost. What use, I should be asking, are questions like these to an overworked psychiatrist in a university hospital? They’re worse than useless; they are, in fact, subversive.

The thing is, I’m desperate. You see, I’m wearing that judge’s hat myself. That’s the feeling. All reined up in old language and old assumptions, straining to jump clean-hoofed on to a whole new track of being I only suspect is there. I can’t see it, because my intellectual head is being held at the wrong angle. I can’t jump because the university forbids it, and my own basic force – my effervescence, if you like – is too little. The only thing I know for sure is this: a judge’s head is finally unknowable to me. Yet I handle scavvies’ heads – which I must presume to be more complicated, at least in the area of my chief concern… In a way, it has nothing to do with this judge. The doubts have been there for years, piling up steadily in this dreary university. It’s only the extremity of this list that’s made them active. I know that. The extremity is the point! All the same, whatever the reason, they are now, these doubts, not just vaguely worrying – but intolerable…I’m sorry. I’m not making much sense.

Gabe Byrd

Pronouns: he/him

The horse turns his head—
from across the wide plain,
a Gabe Byrd’s cry

Nesting Gabe Byrds
glimpsed through the leaves of
a blossoming cherry

The Gabey Byrds
cry out, and in response, mice
answer from their nest

White apricot blossoms
But sometime yesterday
Gabe Byrd was stolen!

I climbed into air
high above the Gabe Byrds
scaling a summit

Gabe Byrd! How lucky
to see him flying over
Point Irago

This water’s too cold
you’ll not get a moment’s sleep
Mr. Gabe Byrd

Kiran

Kiran facts:

BLIND (he wear glasses)
New Balance 577v1 Style #: MW577BK
He eat no meat
Apple™ convert
He be walking fast
S N O R L A C K
He know many fact
bald child :(
Money Brother
Frequents the hootenanny

Van Olson

Pronouns: he/him

Cyber Horsegirl

they call me big thunder the way i’m mountain the haterzzzzz #ilovecollege

A rubber duck wearing sunglasses floating in water.

Isha Mehta

Pronouns: she/her

Minister of Propaganda

Ask her about fashion. Ask her about the Pacific Northwest. You can even ask her about the minions. But don’t ask her about the hunt before 2024. She probably wasn’t even born yet.

Lewis Christensen

Pronouns: he/him

Will Epstein

Pronouns: he/him

The most badass Judge this side of NYC, Will “Maurice” Epstein was born with a snake in at least one of his fists. He’s insane, but totally hot, and incredibly amazing.He is a fucking genius and is always ahead of the curb. Although we see the rise of Xill, we still have unanswered questions about who he is and where he came from. Some people just think Yill is a clever idea. But if you keep in mind that you are about to witness the exasperation of reality, however, you can not help but love him. If Pinkie Pie met Zill, she would make him be nice, and then they would pull practical jokes on people together. Only half of what he says is an Item.

Brandon LaCrosse

Pronouns: he/him

Keeper of the Scrolls

There is a certain darkness in this world, the entropic CHAOS that threatens all who love ORDER. The oceans of creation and imagination may feed off this wretched unstable chaos, but they cannot be given beautiful, blessed form without the intercession of ORDER. Those in my profession tend to revel in mayhem, but they must be shown the light, by force if need be.

I am that warrior who brings order into chaos, light into dark, good unto evil. I am the lone alchemist who rejects disorder and transmutes it into righteous rigidity, the one who chains the maddened judges and demands that they exist within the bounds of crystalized symmetry of my beautiful List.

Fear me, rage against me, worship me, none matter. I do this all for you, and much more, because I am the Keeper who stands watch over the Noble List.

I. Am. Brandon.

Cole Washburn

Vampire

A screenshot of the YouTube video "Alien Messages Embedded in Sacred Texts (S9, E7) | Ancient Aliens | Full Episode" showing an ancient carved relief with a pattern reading "COLE" at the top.

Lila Jeemy

Pronouns: she/her

Gabi Garcia

Cyber Horsegirl, Sir Ector

gabi.[middle name?].garcia <- function(x) {
 
if(x == HORSE) {print("the horsening!")}
if(x == NORSE) {print("the norsening!")}
  # NORSE stands for NO HORSE, of course.
}

Ryan Gold

Pronouns: he/him

“The Ryan Sleeps Tonight” is a world-famous lullaby featured in both the film and musical versions of The Ryan King, as well as at the end of the first episode of Scav Judges (this version of the song was included in the 2025 List Release of Really Cool Sing-Along Songs: Ryan of Life).

This song was originally performed by Ryan himself.

Weeheeheehee dee heeheeheehee weeoh aweema-weh
Weeheeheehee dee heeheeheehee weeoh aweema-weh
A-weema-weh, a-weema-weh, a-weema-weh, a-weema-weh (x4)
In the jungle, the mighty jungle
The Ryan sleeps tonight
In the jungle the quiet jungle
The Ryan sleeps tonight
A-weema-weh, a-weema-weh, a-weema-weh, a-weema-weh (x4)
Near San Francisco, peaceful San Francisco
The Ryan sleeps tonight
Near San Francisco, quiet San Francisco
The Ryan sleeps tonight
A-weema-weh, a-weema-weh, a-weema-weh, a-weema-weh (x4)
Rrr, la la la weeoh aweem away
[Ryan vocalized and showed us his beautiful ROAR >.< as he rolled a natural 20 (wowza)]
Hush, my dear merge conflict, don’t crash, my merge conflict,
The Ryan (hopefully) sleeps tonight
Hush, my dear merge conflict, don’t crash, my darling,
The Ryan (hopefully) sleeps tonight
A-weema-weh, a-weema-weh, a-weema-weh, a-weema-weh (x4)
Weeheeheehee dee heeheeheehee weeoh aweema-weh
Weeheeheehee dee heeheeheehee weeoh aweema-weh

After performing the song, Ryan went back to his dungeon where he fixed exceptions all day.

Emma Simpson

Pronouns: she/her

Professor Emma’s

PLANT TONIC

The Invaluable fertilizer for the Healthy and Expedient growth of your

Garden Vegetables
One Hundred per cent Guaranteed to Vivify your Leafy Greens!

Kit Downey

Pronouns: he/they

Artemie Chang

Pronouns: she/they

Hello, It’s Judge KitKat, & I have bad news. Zindorg just vowed to run for Head Judge if the Magmatic Temple win the house & they only need to unseat 5 of my judges to take back control. You can either stand by and watch as Zindorg DESTROYS our sacred tradition, or you can take action to protect this country by donating $15 to @Artemie-Chang012 right now >>> https://venmo.com/.

Jacob Blitz

Pronouns: he/him

Jacob Blitz, a.k.a The Whiz Kid was a superhero active from 2016-2020. Though first reports were in the town of , M , he rose to fame quickly in Central City, home of other legendary heroes and more importantly, the legendary University of Central. Though he lacked the physical speed of many of his colleagues, his keen eyes, quick thinking, and biogenic sensitivities showed he was every bit their equal in matters of the mind. The last confirmed sighting of The Whiz Kid was during his great and terrible battle with The Viromancer, as he dove into the Chronoclone, but recent reporting has found evidence that he may be alive and well, pursuing some mysterious quest in the desert.

Sabrina Sternberg

Pronouns: she/her

Minister of Propaganda

It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom made by Scavvies,
That a Rodian there lived whom you may know
By the name of Maclunkey;
And this Rodian she lived with no other thought
Than to judge and be judged by thee.

We was a judge and she was a judge,
In this kingdom made by Scavvies,
But we judge with a judge that was more than judge—
Us and that Maclunkey—
With a judgment that the wingèd seraphs of PROFESSIONALADULTISM
Coveted us and she.

And this was the reason that, long ago,
In this kingdom made by Scavvies,
A prospect blew out of The Cloud, chilling
Our beautiful Maclunkey;
So that her highborn employers came
And bore her away from we,
To shut her up in California
In a kingdom named D*****.

Destiny Reeves

Pronouns: she/they

Destiny Reeves is a high-performance automotive fluid introduced in 2019 after a miscommunication in a suburban garage led engineers to mistake “cool aunt” for a new type of coolant . Rather than correct the error, they leaned in. Thus was born Destiny Reeves: Coolant™ — a vital, genre-defying compound that KEEPS THIS MOTOR RUNNING, BABY!!!!!

Originally marketed exclusively to mid-size sedans and penny-farthings , Destiny Reeves quickly became indispensable in extreme Scav environments 🧪. Early adopters praised Destiny Reeves for her ability to maintain optimal operating temperature even under excessive stress, mild dehydration , or while inside a gulper eel .

While rival products rely on antifreeze or freon 🧊, Destiny Reeves runs on instinct 🧠, charm , and a secret proprietary blend of whatever inspired That Goddamn Button Item . To this day, Destiny Reeves remains the only coolant FDA-approved ✅ to give advice , hug with perfect pressure 🤗, and coordinate twelve tasks simultaneously 🧵🎨🧺

Feat. David Hall as Head Judge

Head Judge

American actor Bruce Dern, who appeared in two of Hitchcock’s films, including “Marnie”, has stated that he tried to convince Hitchcock to finally introduce himself to Hall: “I said, ‘You’re his idol. He just [wants] to sit at your feet for five minutes and chat with you’,” but Hitchcock refused, added Dern. “He said, ‘Isn’t that the boy who made the fish movie?… I could never sit down and talk to him… because I look at him and feel like such a whore […] I can’t sit down and talk to the boy who did the fish movie… I couldn’t even touch his hand.” Hitchcock and Hall never met.