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The 2023 - 2024 Active Judgeship
Isha Mehta
Pronouns: she/her
Minister of Propaganda
Lewis Christensen
Pronouns: they/he
Im Judge Lewis! I’m a Judge and I’m so happy to be here! I’m 33 years old. My house is in the northeast section of Chicago, where all the villas are, and I am not married. I work as an employee for the Kame Yu department stores, and I get home every day by 8 PM at the latest. I don’t smoke, but I occasionally drink. I’m in bed by 11 PM, and make sure I get eight hours of sleep, no matter what. After having a glass of warm milk and doing about twenty minutes of stretches before going to bed, I usually have no problems sleeping until morning. Just like a baby, I wake up without any fatigue or stress in the morning. I was told there were no issues at my last check-up. I’m trying to explain that I’m a person who wishes to live a very quiet life. I take care not to trouble myself with any enemies, like winning and losing, that would cause me to lose sleep at night. That is how I deal with society, and I know that is what brings me happiness. Although, if I were to fight I wouldn’t lose to anyone.
Will Epstein
Pronouns: he/him
Count Will of Epstein (ᴏᴄ) is the last count of that name. Not only will Will inhabit the Castle, but for the next twenty-five years Will will never leave it. Will will work with the preparatory commission before joining the secretariat the next year. Will will be a rich and kaleidoscopic piece, with the promise of something truly intoxicating. A distant clatter scratches at the surface, stirring an otherwise soft and simple Will. The small disturbance—like a Will-rattled porch door—will will Will into the room with you. Will will be a noble and handsome old individual, every movement betokening a proud dignity and a touching benevolence, with a white head that seems, in the words of Schiller, “crowned by holy deeds.” Will will be an aggressive advocate for the cause of universal peace.
Brandon LaCrosse
Pronouns: he/him
Keeper of the Scrolls
Cole Washburn
Vampire
Lila Jeemy
Pronouns: she/her
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Audrey Scott
Pronouns: she/her
🎀💓🌟✨🌟💓🎀
💓 Everybody 💓
🌟🍥poops!🍥🌟
✨ 👸 ✨
🌟 ✌️👚 🌟
💓 🚽💨 💓
🎀💓🌟💩🌟💓🎀
Britt Dorton
Pronouns: she/her
Minister of Propaganda, Clark Griswold
I see something coming in the distance! What could it be?
Holy shit it’s Britt and Her Best Friend!!!!!!!!
And is that music I hear?
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLmDVyNWrE6_lD-OVSQGvx9lOX9HLNUMmY
Gabi Garcia
Cyber Horsegirl
[2004 - Gabi is back on the freighter.]
GABI: —trust me.
DAVID: I do trust you. But you still have to remember that number.
GABI: 7946-0893. [repeating] It’s a London number.
DAVID: Excellent timing… the patch is done, but I don’t know how long the battery will last. I hope he’s there.
GABI: I hope so too.
[The phone rings, the sound playing over the 1996 scene when Gabi leaves Garfield’s home. He briefly looks down at her from a second-story window before closing the drapes. After several rings, someone answers.]
GARFIELD: Hello?
GABI: Garfield?
GARFIELD: Gabi?
[The scene briefly changes to 1996 when Gabi is walking away from Garfield’s]
GABI: Garfield… Garfield, you answered. You answered, Garfield.
[In London, Garfield is at home standing by a Christmas tree.]
GARFIELD: Gabs, where are you?
GABI: I’m… I’m, I’m on a boat. Um… I’ve been on an island, and— Oh my god, Garfield. Is that really you?
GARFIELD: Yeah! Yes, it’s me!
GABI: You believe me? You still care about me?
GARFIELD: Gabs, I’ve been looking for you for the past three years. I know about the island. I’ve been researching—[static]—and then when I spoke to your friend Cole, that’s when I knew you were still alive. That’s when I knew I wasn’t crazy. Gabs, are you still there!?
GABI: Yes, yes, I’m here! I’m still here, can you hear me?
GARFIELD: Yeah, yeah, that’s better.
GABI: I love you, Garfield. I’ve always loved you. I’m so sorry. I love you.
GARFIELD: I love you too.
GABI: I don’t know where I am, but—
GARFIELD: I’ll find you, Gabs—
GABI: —I promise—
GARFIELD: —no matter what—
GABI: —I’ll come back to you—
GARFIELD: —I won’t give up—
BOTH: I promise. I love you.
[Static cuts them off.]
DAVID: I’m sorry. The power source went dead, it’s all we have.
[Gabi walks toward David, her memory of her and her time on the island returning.]
GABI: Thank you, David. [They shake hands] It was enough.
DAVID: Are you alright now?
GABI: Aye. I’m perfect.
Ryan Gold
Pronouns: he/him
Legendary Creature – Human Wizard
As long as you’ve discarded a spell this turn, you may pay 🚀 to cast this spell.
When Ryan Gold enters the battlefield, you may search your library for a card named The Underworld Puzzlehunt, reveal it, put it into your hand, then shuffle.
- Ithkuil Interpretation: Target creature deals 6 damage to itself.
- Contains Multitudes: If this card is successfully folded more than 6 times, the power of your next attack increases to
Armed with only a Fire Cape and the light of a Nintendo 3DS, Ryan Gold emerged from the labyrinth after 289 years; more astute, more mischievous, and more determined not to miss lunch.
🖌️Christopher Rush. © 2022 Wizards of the Coast, Inc. All rights reserved.
Emma Simpson
Pronouns: she/her
Emma Simpson (1947-2018) was an eminent astrochelonian and coprologist, mainly known for her pioneering developments in the field of lettuce, located at 1208 E 53rd St, Chicago, IL. From an early age, she was deemed remarkably able and capable at her specialties, particularly in cross-disciplinary studies, where her talents found much in the field of lettuce located at 1363 E 53rd St, Chicago, IL. As she grew, her skills attracted the attention of a group we shall only refer to as a Very Facilitative literary Device, and she was duly inducted into their ranks, amid the field of lettuce located at 727 N 1st St, St. Louis, MO. Emma Simpson was… wait. You mean the other Emma Simpson? The Judge? The one who’s alive? Well, it looks like we’ve run out of space here, in the field of lettuce located at 5200 CA-1, Pacifica, CA.
Joren Husic
Pronouns: he/him
Kit Downey
Pronouns: he/they
Kit Downey is a cherry-flavored carbonated soft drink that was introduced in 2001 as a flavor extension of the original Mountain Dew. This addition marked the first time that the brand had ventured beyond its flagship flavor on a large scale. Despite the saturated market of soft drink flavors, Kit Downey saw great success and is considered a major player in the cherry-flavored beverage market.
PepsiCo considered calling the variant Wild Cherry Mountain Dew, but branded them as Kit Downey as focus groups preferred. In May 2001, Kit Downey was released to stores in the United States. In their first year of production, Kit Downey increased overall sales of Mountain Dew by 6%.
Diet Kit Downey was introduced in 2002. It was replaced by Kit Downey Zero in 2022.
An energy drink version of Kit Downey was released in 2022.
Artemie Chang
Pronouns: she/they
it was many and many a year ago
in a town that starts with C
that a scavver there lived whom you may know
by the name of artemie
and this scavver lived with no other thought
than to judge, and judge duly
i wrote items and they wrote items
in this city that starts with C
but we judged with a judge that was more than judgy-
i and great artemie-
with points that the imbued power of CLI
covered them and me
and that was the reason that, long ago,
in this city that starts with C
crafts were borne from chemistry, inspiring
the crocheting Artemie;
so that the lull of writing came
and bore them away from me;
to employ them in the JFI
in this city that starts with C
Jacob Blitz
Pronouns: he/him
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nonsense jlb is a discriminating resource for independent art, weird events, strange happenings, unique parties, and senseless culture from jacob leo blitz.
please remember you are welcome to pass nonsense along to anyone who needs to see it, but you do not have permission to use any of the listings for your commercial endeavor. if you are receiving this list as a forward you can sign up for yourself at nonsensejlb.com/subscribe.
Friday, April 5
- Petting Zoo, Jacob
- The 2024 Sideshow Hootenanny, Jacob
- Fantasy A Gets a Mattress: JLB Premiere, Jacob
- Planet Groove: A Celestial Cabaret, Leo
- JL Neo-Futurists’ the Infinite Wrench, Leo
- Cult Goddess Presents, Blitz
- Transplants Comedy Show, Blitz
Saturday, April 6
- Saving Private Ryan Water Tag, Leo
- Land Valuations, Leo
- Feminist Zine Fest, Leo
- Tom D’s Big JL Show, Leo
- The 24-Hour Sketch Comedy Show, Leo
- Sounds From the Gallery: A Live Concert Series, Blitz
- Ego Free Jam: Acoustic Edition, Blitz
Sunday, April 7
- The Circus is Coming to Town, Jacob
- Tonight! A Clown Who Just Wanted to Be Loved? Jacob
Monday, April 8
- Improvised Music, Jacob
- Lonely Artist Salon, Leo
Tuesday, April 9
- New Works 2024, Jacob
Wednesday, April 10
- The Idiot’s Hour, Leo
- The Hope Principle Show, Leo
- New Kids on the Blockchain, Leo
Thursday, April 11
- Cadence Magazine Fest at Nublu, Leo
- The 13th Annual Panorama Challenge, Blitz
- Weekly Thursday Field Day, Jacob
XXXXX END XXXXX
Sabrina Sternberg
Pronouns: she/her
Minister of Propaganda
Long-time viewers of the Sabrina Sternberg Show know that there’s one thing that Sabrina fears above all else: the killer. Sabrina has made multiple mentions of the unknown, faceless killer she believes lies in wait for us all and has even shared her own peculiar tactics for dealing with the constant threat. Twitter users have had an especially fun time with this rediscovered quirk of Sabrina’s.
A compilation video of Sabrina discussing “the killer” on her talk show has gone viral, and the Twitter reactions to Sabrina’s long and storied obsession have been hilarious. For those who don’t know, “the killer” is essentially a horror movie-style villain who creeps up on you when you least expect it and lurks in dark, hidden corners.
Sabrina has long made her fear of the killer known on her talk show, so much so that guests have commented on her morbid fascination. In order to thwart the killer, Sabrina has a number of tricks up her sleeve. She’s mentioned the bat she keeps in her nightstand at the ready in case there’s an intruder. In true Sabrina fashion, the bat is bedazzled with pink rhinestones and covered in metallic spikes, the perfect fusion of deadly and chic.
Alex Hearn
Pronouns: he/him
Feat. David Hall as Head Judge
Pronouns: he/him
Head Judge
Hint: Use W, S, D, A or the arrows to move. Press spacebar to pause the game.
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